Turok (2008, First-Person Shooter Game, 360) – 1/10 review

Turok (2008) Turok crash lands on a planet and is, oddly, not surprised at all to find it full of dinosaurs. Not that it matters because he won’t survive. No, I mean that. He won’t survive; you will not see the end of the game. 1/10 Well. The dinosaurs look brilliant and some of the level design in the first half is superb with lots of variety in how you can attack the level. The main complaints are that all the weapons sound weedy and the aiming controls aren’t quite right but it’s not unplayable or anything. Then we get to the level ‘Killing Fields.’ This must be the worst designed level in the history of video games. It does absolutely everything wrong. Everywhere is a dead end and nowhere links to anywhere else even though it looks like it does. There is no shelter and no caves or ledges to give you any chance at strategy. There are no visual cues to help you orient yourself in the level (everything is grey – the floor, the rocks, the sky); indeed, the level maliciously delights in picking you up and changing your position and direction whenever it feels like it. A rocket launcher guy is spawned and you are transposed to a pre-defined place you couldn’t possibly be. The checkpoint placement is wrong. The boss can be accidentally spawned meaning certain death. When he is deliberately spawned, it also means near-certain death because he has endless insta-rockets with no reload time and which cannot be sheltered from or avoided. It is the exact opposite of fun and it’s a great shame as the game was shaping up fine up that game-ending, game-destroying vomit of ineptitude and player-hate. This game contains gory knife violence against dinosaurs, strong gun and knife violence. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Smallville Season Finale 8.22 Doomsday (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Erica Durance: Lois Lane Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Alaina Huffman: Dinah "Black Canary" Lance Kyle Gallner: Bart "Impulse" Allen Ari Cohen: Regan Ryan Kennedy: Rokk Executive Producer: James Marshall Writer: Kelly Souders Writer: Brian Peterson Director: James Marshall

Smallville 8.22 Doomsday (2009) Wanting to prove that the events of the previous months weren’t the stupidest, rubbishest things that could possibly happen, plans are made to ensure that every fan of Smallville everywhere will want to kill themselves. 1/10 This is an entirely remarkable episode. The writers have just thrown all the scripts for this series into the air and randomly pulled pages from the resulting pile. Continuity and character, sadly, weren’t salvaged. Smallville has been betrayed and horribly mutilated by those entrusted with its care and this episode is just horrific, it’s professionally incompetent. If it was a car, inserting the key into the ignition would castrate you and then mock you for trying to start it in the first place. And for having no bits. John Matta, Chief Operating Officer of The CW Television Network, also announced his intention to run for the title of the world’s stupidest person by allowing a ninth series. Though, to be fair, it’ll probably be revealed he’s actually working as a double-agent for a rival television network. “The name’s Matta, J…, er, I’ve forgotten my first name.” This Smallville episode contains mild swear words and extreme fantasy violence, strong graphic violence, gory and extremely unpleasant scenes. Links Previous episode: Injustice

Smallville 8.20 Beast (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Writer: Genevieve Sparling Director: Michael Rohl

Smallville 8.20 Beast (2009) The writers stab you in the eyes and ears for forty minutes while every actor looks like they’re trying to lie back, close their eyes and think of the money without vomiting or suffering a psychotic break. Aaron Ashmore isn’t succeeding. 1/10 It is becoming difficult to find words to describe the deep-seated hatred, the bitter resentment, the utter lack of respect and the despairing drudgery the writers of Smallville have for their audience. Somewhere along the line Aaron Ashmore and Allison Mack must have keyed all of the producers’ cars or left a coffee ring or a perfectly-formed poo on their executive table or something because their characters continue to be on the receiving end of bafflingly awful storylines. If they both move into porn after Smallville, it will be a step up. This Smallville episode contains extreme violence, gory and extremely unpleasant scenes and sexuality. Links Previous episode: Stiletto Next episode: Injustice

Shrek the Third (2007, Game, 360) – 1/10 review

Producer: Elizabeth Dahm Associate Producer: Brian Cronk Engineering Lead: Kenneth Yeast Technical Lead: Phil Harvey

Shrek the Third Shrek the Third (2007) Shrek pines for his quiet pre-King existence and sets off to England to find Arthur who is next in line for the throne after Fiona. 1/10 This is the perfect game for the movie Shrek the Third because the hard work, time and effort of many engineers and artists has resulted in something truly execrable and notably, horribly, unfunny. Technically, the art and animation is extremely unappealing. Gameplay is not quite balanced (especially against the boss cyclops and knights) and the finishing moves are remarkably dissatisfying. Oddly, the music’s really good. But when one of the characters keeps saying "This is lame" and you wholeheartedly agree, this confirms Shrek the Third’s status as one of the worst movie games of all time in a genre that is not exactly overflowing with quality. This Shrek the Third game contains mild innuendo and double-speak and extended extreme violence. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Smallville 8.16 Turbulence (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Writer: Turi Meyer Writer: Al Septien Director: Kevin G. Fair

Smallville 8.16 Turbulence (2009) Jimmy Olsen gets an episode and sees Davis Bloome murder someone. Not a Smallville writer, unfortunately. 1/10 It is clear that nobody on Smallville – the cast, the writers (Clark gets Tess drunk!), the director (this is very slackly paced, not a usual problem on the show) – can be bothered with the show anymore. Those of us who are sticking with it are only doing so out of a sense of misguided loyalty and that we really want to see, after all the misery and violence and stupidity we’ve been subjected to (seasons 4,5, 7 and 8), some kind of happy, or at least hopeful, climax to let Clark Kent go off into the sunset and future super-deeds. However, writers without ideas cannot think positively and American shows are required by law to be ‘dark’ and ‘edgy’. So, there won’t be a happy ending and while the ‘creative’ forces tread water Smallville will continue to embarrass everyone involved with it. This Smallville episode contains bad language and substance abuse (prescribed medication and alcohol) and strong, gory violence, unpleasant scenes. Links Previous episode: Infamous Next episode: Hex

Beowulf The Game (2007, Game, 360) – 1/10 review

Ray Winstone: Beowulf Alan Ritchson: Beowulf Character Model Brendan Gleeson: Wiglaf Anthony Hopkins: King Hrothgar

Beowulf The Game (2007) Beowulf travels to Denmark to defeat the monsta, sorry, monster Grendel. 1/10 Beowulf The Game is almost completely broken with miserable lumpen controls, a unsatisfying combat system and a depressing atmosphere. On top of that, we have graphics that don’t provide any visual guidance or stimulus. If you’re looking for positives, a couple of the movie cast lend their voices and it won’t give you syphillis. Probably. Truly a horrible game. This game contains sexual swear words, adult dialogue and extended graphic, extreme and extremely gory violence and inferred and sort-of nudity. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over. Classified 18+ by PEGI. The game is only suitable for adults who have reached the age of 18 or over.. Classified Bad Language by PEGI. Game contains bad language. Classified Violence by PEGI. Game contains depictions of violence.

Ultraviolet (2006, Movie) – 1/10 review

Milla Jovovich: Violet Cameron Bright: Six Nick Chinlund: Daxus William Fichtner: Garth Writer: Kurt Wimmer Director: Kurt Wimmer Kurt Wimmer: Speak-No-Evil Phage

Ultraviolet (2006) A war between hemophages (sufferers of a highly infectious and deadly disease called hemoglophagia which also gives its victims super-human vampire-like powers) and humans is coming to an end as the humans run out of hemophages to kill. The last few hemophages don’t want to go quietly and send Violet on a mission to recover a package that may contain an antigen designed to exterminate their kind with the hope that it can be reverse engineered to find a cure. 1/10 While it’s certainly inept and broken it does have the feel of those unsuccessful seventies sci-fi movies which had plenty of ideas but which were boring or a bit embarrassing anyway. The opening credits are good and that’s kinda it. Composer Klaus Badelt is the only member of production to escape with dignity intact as he supplies an exciting score. Somehow writer / director Kurt Wimmer has managed to find subsequent employment as a filmmaker though IMDb suggests that this theatrical release version was assembled without his input and thirty-two minutes of story. This movie contains mild swear words, bad language and gun violence, blade violence, fire violence and mild non-sexual nudity. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Smallville 8.08 Bloodline (2008, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Erica Durance: Lois Lane Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator): Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Laura Vandervoort: Kara Writer: Caroline Dries Director: Michael Rohl

Smallville 8.08 Bloodline (2008) Clark is sent the blue Kryptonite crystal and, being a bit of a super-genius, picks it up presuming that nothing bad will happen this time. Ah. 1/10 All the actors know that this is an awful episode and it comes across in their peforiamcens especially Welling who looks irritated and disinterested. It starts with Kara not recognising Clark or Lois and continues all previous comments regarding The Phantom Zone being summarily dismissed (there is another secret exit built by Zor’el and, in any case, Brainiac Chloe can just pull people out of it as she pleases). Chloe’s character is nearly unwatchable. However, continuing her good run Erica Durance is good again and now that Oliver Green has emerged from his drunken party-boy stupor Justin Hartley’s moments are strong. Also, depressingly, there are no lasting effects of anything despite Lois driving a pole through Sam Witwer and taking out a wall and a fire truck at Metropolis Hospital. After a few good solid episodes, Smallville returns to the overarching story and falls flat on its face. This Smallville episode contains extreme fantasy violence, very gory and unpleasant scenes. Links Previous episode: Identity Next episode: Abyss

Eragon (2006, Movie) – 1/10 review

Ed Speleers: Eragon Jeremy Irons: Brom Sienna Guillory: Arya Robert Carlyle: Durza Djimon Hounsou: Ajihad Garrett Hedlund: Murtagh Joss Stone: Angela Rachel Weisz: The Voice of Saphira John Malkovich: Galbatorix Writer (Original Novel): Christopher Paolini Writer (Screenplay): Peter Buchman Director: Stefen Fangmeier

Eragon (2006) Eragon is just a simple farmboy until the fate of his country and a battle against tyranny becomes his to wage when a large blue dragon egg comes into his possession. 1/10 Things start badly with John Malkovich asking someone to "Stop. His. Suffering." and you get the feeling he isn’t in character. It doesn’t get better and soon you’ll just want someone to drive a sword through your heart. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Knight Rider 1.01 A Knight in Shining Armor (2008, TV) – 1/10

Justin Bruening: Mike Traceur Deanna Russo: Sarah Graiman Sydney Tamiia Poitier: Carrie Rivai Paul Campbell: Billy Morgan Yancey Arias: Alex Torres Bruce Davison: Charles Graiman Smith Cho: Zoe Chae Paula Garces: Kelli Haddigan Mark Adair Rios: Jay Hunt Yorgo Constantine: Jackson Executive Producer: Glen A. Larson Executive Producer: Gary Scott Thompson Writer (Characters’ Creator): Glen A. Larson Writer: Gary Scott Thompson Director: David Solomon

Knight Rider 1.01 Knight in Shining Armor, A (2008) Knight Industries is brought into retrieve a package of great value but a team of mercenaries makes things difficult. Odd thing is, they are not after the package but Mike Traceur. 1/10 Insultingly poor and hateful start to the first full series of Knight Rider following the bland but acceptable pilot movie earlier this year. KITT’s been given horribly unconvincing and useless transforming powers, Justin Bruening has lost the little charisma he had and the whole show has been given an injection of dumb with a side-helping of stupid. Quite unbelievably inept. This Knight Rider episode contains adult dialogue and inferred extremely unpleasant scene, strong violence and mild nudity. Links Previous episode: Knight Rider

The Pink Panther (2006, Movie) – 1/10

Producer: Robert Simonds Director: Shawn Levy Steve Martin: Clouseau Kevin Kline: Dreyfus Jean Reno: Ponton Emily Mortimer: Nicole Henry Czerny: Yuri Kristin Chenoweth: Cherie Roger Rees: Larocque Beyoncé Knowles: Xania Composer Pink Panther Theme: Henry Mancini Director (Original Films) Pink Panther: Blake Edwards Writer (Story): Len Blum Writer (Story): Michael Saltzman Writer (Screenplay): Len Blum Writer (Characters’ Creator): Maurice Richlin Writer (Characters’ Creator): Blake Edwards Jason Statham: Yves Gluant Clive Owen: Nigel Statham 006

Pink Panther, The (2006) When a prominent businessman is murdered during a football match and his fabulous Pink Panther diamond stolen, Chief Inspector Dreyfus assembles a crack team of investigators to find the murderer. To ensure that their work is uninterrupted, he publicly appoints an unknown incompetent to lead the ‘official’ investigation: Jacques Clouseau. 1/10 Wow! Taking twenty years of pent-up Clouseau gags and carefully cherry-picking all the least funny ones, director Shawn Levy and star Steve Martin then proceed to brilliantly edit out even those. The result is one of the clumsiest and most embarrassingly unfunny ‘comedies’ ever wiped from a stars butt onto the big screen. They seem to have overlooked the fact that Clouseau is more over-zealous and eager-to-please than incompetent and that he is the only person in all the films with an accent. And that Clouseau isn’t deaf. And that he should be played by Peter Sellers. Who is dead. On a more positive note, the stunt-work and production values are surprisingly good and Beyoncé Knowles proves luminous and irresistible on screen once more. This movie contains sexual innuendo, muffled sexual swear words and violence, unpleasant scenes, self-inflicted torture. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Bee Movie (2007, Movie) – 1/10

Director: Simon J. Smith Director: Steve Hickner Producer: Jerry Seinfeld Producer: Christina Steinberg Writer: Jerry Seinfeld Writer: Spike Feresten Writer: Barry Marder Writer: Andy Robin Jerry Seinfeld: Barry B. Benson Renée Zellweger: Vanessa Bloome Matthew Broderick: Adam Flayman Patrick Warburton: Ken John Goodman: Layton T. Montgomery Chris Rock: Mooseblood Andy Robin: Jock #2 Simon J. Smith: Truck Driver, Chet Barry Marder: Waterbug

Bee Movie (2007) A bit concerned that he will be stuck doing the same job for the rest of his life, Barry B. Benson, a bee, takes a last flight of freedom into the real world and, after breaking the first bee rule of not talking to humans, falls in love with a human, Vanessa. Then he learns about the subjugation of bees and sues humanity to get all their honey back. With hilarious consequences. 1/10 Starting with a charmless replacement logo for DreamWorks Animation during which the mascot boy falls to his death, I kid you not, Bee Movie looks like it might settle into a bland Antz knock-off. Presumably DreamWorks Animation’s next animal-themed project will start with a C. Male chickens, perhaps. You immediately notice that the bees have a pair of legs missing and, it turns out, the entire movie is an insult to biology. Then the movie introduces non-sexual zoophilia (Greek for animal love) and every subsequent idea and plot point in the movie (yes, that is the Holocaust referenced) is likewise irredeemably awful. So not bland at all. Eye-wideningly atrocious. Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Smallville 7.13 Hero (2007, TV) – 1/10

Smallville 7.13 Hero (2007) Clark’s former best friend, Pete Ross, eats some Krpyonite tainted gum (no way he could know, it only glows bright flourescent green) and instantly gains the ability to stretch. After saving Kara, he decides he likes this hero business and goes public with the Daily Planet. 1/10 Sam Jones III’s Pete Ross returns with a half-witted pre-title sequence that stretches credulity (hehe). The writers of Smallville clearly hated Pete Ross when he was a regular and they don’t appear to like him anymore now. There is an interesting principle behind this episode (people want to know that heroes exist; something Clark himself would do later as Superman) but it’s just handled so thoughtlessly and routinely that it is a genuine mystery how some of the show’s producers are still employed. I know someone else smarter than me said this but if everybody’s special, nobody’s special and Smallville keeps falling into that trap. Inexplicable behaviour on the part of Clark regarding Kara’s bracelet especially as he had earlier stated in the episode that finding it might bring back her powers and memory. This Smallville episode contains strong violence.

Shrek the Third (2007, Movie) – 1/10

Shrek the Third (2007) Shrek inherits the kingship of Far Far Away but doesn’t want it or the children that Fiona is expecting. With his dying breath, King Harold tells Shrek of another possible heir, Arthur, and so Shrek embarks on a journey to bring a new king to Far Far Away. 1/10 Despite a horrifically unfunny advertising campaign and, as it turns out, a criminally unfunny film, such was the quality of the first two films and the power of the franchise that Shrek the Third stomped to a $800 million box office bonanza. However, this is an unpolished, first-draft, lacklustre, auto-pilot sequel of the lowest order. The makers didn’t even bother with continuity regarding Donkey and Puss’s tails in the final sequence. I laughed at one joke: “You’ve got your father’s eye.” That’ll be worth one star, then. This movie contains sexual swear word obscured by foghorn, mild adult dialogue, sexual innuendo, references to substance abuse and violence and male ogre nudity. Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Bionic Woman 1.01 Bionic Woman (2007, TV) – 1/10

Bionic Woman 1.01 Bionic Woman (2007) Jamie Sommers gets badly injured in a car crash but, luckily, her boyfriend is secretly a super-genius working for a top-secret organisation and is able to replace her amputated body parts with bionic mega-versions. 1/10 Weakly scripted pilot show that fails to deliver a hero the audience are interested in or want to see. It’s not just Michelle Ryan as the bionic woman, though. Every character is awful and, while it starts badly, it just gets worse and worse, offensively so, as it goes on (including, astonishingly, a first bionic woman who claims to have replaced her own body parts and a fight scene where getting a broken arm doesn’t matter in the slightest). Half-hearted production values also hurt but it’s the utter lack of interesting plot or characterisation that renders this pilot worthwhile only as an example of how not to do it. This Bionic Woman episode contains mild swear words and an offensively weak and insulting script and gory and very unpleasant scenes, graphic violence and extreme violence and sex scene. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Ghost Rider (2007) – 1/10

Ghost Rider (2007) Stuntman extraordinaire Johnny Blaze finds that it is time for his end of his deal with the Devil. The first sign is all his skin falling off and him bursting into flame but he quickly settles in and sets about ridding the earth of the Devil’s son. 1/10 Eye-bulgingly, offensively inept supernatural action movie that should cost writer / director Mark Steven Johnson his big-screen career. Sam Elliott’s voice is now so gruff that he requires subtitles and, unfortunately for Nicolas Cage’s eponymous Ghost Rider, Elliott looks about a thousand times cooler when he’s on fire. As an indicator of how inept the movie is, the cast is listed in appearance order… except it’s not. This movie contains extended, graphic and repeated extremely unpleasant fantasy and supernatural scenes, extreme and graphic fantasy and supernatural violence and the spectacular cleavage of eva mendes. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult. Available on DVD. Available on Blu-ray.