The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008, Fantasy Romance Movie) – 5/10 review

Director: David Fincher Writer (Screenplay): Eric Roth Writer (Screen Story): Eric Roth Writer (Screen Story): Robin Swicord Writer (Original Short Story): F. Scott Fitzgerald Producer: Kathleen Kennedy Producer: Frank Marshall Producer: Ceán Chaffin Brad Pitt: Benjamin Button Cate Blanchett: Daisy Taraji P. Henson: Queenie Julia Ormond: Caroline Jason Flemyng: Thomas Button Mahershalalhashbaz Ali: Tizzy Jared Harris: Captain Mike Elias Koteas: Monsieur Gateau Phyllis Somerville: Grandma Fuller Tilda Swinton: Elizabeth Abbott

Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (2008) Benjamin Button is a most unusual man: he was born old and is growing younger. 5/10 So here’s the thing: if Brad Pitt aged normally, the film wouldn’t be any different. As it is, this is a pompous film that is not as revealing as it thinks it is. It feels like a humourless and ridiculously long version of Forrest Gump. It also feels terribly unconvincing in details (for example, a clock that runs backward is made for a train station and everyone just goes ‘okay’) as well as in the romantic arc of the story and in using characters that have modern sensibilities in period settings. Director David Fincher paces things delicately and has made a technically clever production but is ultimately saved by his star, Brad Pitt. Pitt is the sole reason to the watch as he never puts a foot wrong. He never feels unconvincing, he never feels fake; but everything else does. This isn’t a good film but Brad Pitt is worth watching. If you’re curious. This movie contains sexual swear words, adult dialogue and strong gun violence and sex scenes. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Superman Returns (2006, Third-Person Action Movie Game) – 5/10 review

Brandon Routh: Clark Kent / Superman Kevin Spacey: Lex Luthor Writer (Screenplay): Flint Dille Writer (Story): Marv Wolfman Composer: Colin O’Malley

Superman Returns (2006) Returning to Metropolis after a five year journey to Krypton and back (confirming that it, indeed, had been destroyed), Superman settles back into his day job of protecting the people of Earth from nefarious super-villains and super-henchmen. Well, one city on Earth anyway. 5/10 There is a remarkably nice feeling about flying above the city with the wind adding its own chorus to Colin O’Malley’s rather lovely music. The feeling of flying is really well nailed. Sadly, it’s the only gameplay element that is good. The remainder of the game is spent attacking and it’s mushy and imprecise and Supes regularly doesn’t do as he’s told. You don’t feel like Superman in the action segments. You don’t fell invulnerable or super-strong. Five for the flying, nothing for everything else. Classified 12+ by PEGI. The game is only suitable for persons who have reached the age of 12 or over. Classified Violence by PEGI. Game contains depictions of violence.

House M.D. 6.03 The Tyrant (2009, Medical Black Comedy Drama TV) – 5/10 review

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House Lisa Edelstein: Dr. Lisa Cuddy Omar Epps: Dr. Eric Foreman Robert Sean Leonard: Dr. James Wilson Jennifer Morrison: Dr. Allison Cameron Jesse Spencer: Dr. Robert Chase Creator: David Shore Olivia Wilde: Thirteen James Earl Jones: President Dibala David Marciano: Murphy Garikayi Mutambirwa: Ruwe Roger Aaron Brown: Joseph Ntila Producer: Marcy G. Kaplan Producer: Sara Hess Co-Executive Producer: Peter Blake Writer: Peter Blake Director: David Straiton

House M.D. 6.03 Tyrant, The (2009) An African dictator is admitted after violently coughing up blood but his harsh regime back home is testing the team’s duty to treat him impartially. Meanwhile, House has managed to irritate Wilson’s over-grumpy naighbour and his attempts to put things right do not go well. Nothing a bit of duct tape and drugs won’t sort out, naturally. 5/10 This episode opens with a nice surprise: I thought James Earl Jones was dead. He plays an "evil" dictator and sets up a moral dilemma for, particularly, Chase and Cameron as they are used by the writers to deliver two sides of the argument: to keep the doctors oath or not. The outcome is surprising and the episode thought-provoking but Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer are such wishy-washy on-screen presences that they undermine their characters’ viewpoints and are simply blown away by James Earl Jones’ hurricane-force delivery. The writers have never liked Omar Epps and he keeps getting the short end of several sticks. House gets a better balance as he fights against his old misanthropic instincts and, as always, Hugh Laurie is perfect. Do they only write good lines for him or does he make ordinary lines awesome? This House M.D. episode contains descriptions of violence and strong gory scenes. Links Previous episode: Epic Fail Next episode: Instant Karma

FlashForward 1.03 137 Sekunden (2009, Mystery Serial Drama) – 5/10 review

Joseph Fiennes: Mark Benford John Cho: Demetri Noh Brían F. O’Byrne: Aaron Stark Courtney B. Vance: Stan Wedeck Sonya Walger: Olivia Benford Christine Woods: Janis Hawk Creator For Television: David S. Goyer Creator For Television: Brannon Braga Shohreh Aghdashloo: Kim Dickens: Thomas Kretschmann: Lee Thompson Young: Agent Gough Barry Shabaka Henley: Agent Vreede Curt Lowens: Gina Torres: Jeff Richards: Gabrielle Union: Executive Producer: David S. Goyer Executive Producer: Marc Guggenheim Producer: Mark H. Ovitz Writer (Screenplay): David S. Goyer Writer (Screenplay): Marc Guggenheim Director: Michael Rymer

FlashForward 1.03 137 Sekunden (2009) Benford gets contacted by an ex-Nazi held in a German prison who claims knowledge of both the FBI agents name, why the blackout lasted 137 seconds and something else that will prove critical to Benford’s investigation but, in return, wants a full pardon and repatriation to the United States of America. 5/10 There’s a reasonably cunning battle of wits going on here but since Joseph Fiennes’ Mark Benford is such a bland pig-headed dunce, that’s rather over-stating his role in the aforementioned battle. Again, there are interesting elements regarding whether the flash-forwards are truth or not and the effect they are having on people in the present and the final five seconds are expertly bolted on to make you want to watch again but a lack of characters I want to watch and a lack of story development (we are no further forward than immediately after the flash-forward two weeks ago) means that I will not be tuning in again next week. Links Previous episode: White to Play

FlashForward 1.02 White to Play (2009, Mystery Serial Drama) – 5/10 review

Joseph Fiennes: Mark Benford John Cho: Demetri Noh Jack Davenport: Lloyd Simcoe Zachary Knighton: Bryce Varley Brían F. O’Byrne: Aaron Stark Courtney B. Vance: Stan Wedeck Sonya Walger: Olivia Benford Christine Woods: Janis Hawk Creator For Television: David S. Goyer Creator For Television: Brannon Braga Shohreh Aghdashloo: Lee Thompson Young: Agent Gough Lynn Whitfield: Marina Black: Michael Massee: Alan Ruck: Executive Producer: David S. Goyer Executive Producer: Brannon Braga Executive Producer: Marc Guggenheim Producer: Mark H. Ovitz Writer (Screenplay): David S. Goyer Writer (Screenplay): Marc Guggenheim Writer (Story): Brannon Braga Writer (Story): David S. Goyer Director: David S. Goyer Writer: Robert J. Sawyer

FlashForward 1.02 White to Play (2009) Using Benford’s flash-forward as their impetus, the FBI investigation starts in earnest but with thousands of D. Gibbons which one is the one referenced on the Mosaic board? Perhaps the one that just walked in the door with some cupcakes. 5/10 I’ll give this one more week as, just like Lost, the makers are proving expert at the final five second hook that makes you want to see the next episode. However, the body of the show is merely competent with no peaks and troughs and the D. Gibbons story element is a naughty impossibility. The episode isn’t about anything or, rather, what it is about is not made clear. I can’t even remember the lead character’s name which is a dreadful sign after two episodes. There’s also a distractingly shocking moment of photography later when a light in the bedroom has an actor pass underneath it. That said, Courtney B. Vance does get the only fun or interesting scene when he reveals what happened during his flash-forward (SPOILER He was on the toilet when the flash-forward occurred and was on the toilet in his flash-forward and, when he returned to consciousness, had to mouth-to-mouth resuscitate a dude who was drowning in an urinal). This FlashForward episode contains adult dialogue and violence. Links Previous episode: No More Good Days Next episode: 137 Sekunden

FlashForward 1.01 No More Good Days (2009, Mystery Serial Drama) – 5/10 review

Joseph Fiennes: Mark Benford John Cho: Demetri Noh Jack Davenport: Lloyd Simcoe Zachary Knighton: Bryce Varley Peyton List: Nicole Kirby Brían O’Byrne: Aaron Stark Courtney B. Vance: Stan Wedeck Sonya Walger: Olivia Benford Christine Woods: Janis Hawk Creator For Television: David S. Goyer Creator For Television: Brannon Braga Alex Kingston: Fiona Banks Barry Shabaka Henley: Agent Vreede Lee Thompson Young: Agent Gough Rachel Roberts: Alda Hertzog Genevieve Cortese: Tracy Stark Executive Producer: David S. Goyer Executive Producer: Brannon Braga Writer (Screenplay): David S. Goyer Writer (Screenplay): Brannon Braga Writer (Screen Story): David S. Goyer Writer (Screen Story): Brannon Braga Director: David S. Goyer Writer (Original Novel): Robert J. Sawyer

FlashForward 1.01 No More Good Days (2009) For two minutes and seventeen seconds, everybody on Earth blacks out and experiences "a memory of a future event." FBI Agent Mark Benford reveals he was investigating the phenomenal event in the future and is so tasked with investigating it in the present. Everyone has their own flash-forward but, remarkably, they all seem to be of the same time in the future: April 29, 2010 at 10pm PDT. 5/10 This pilot episode only just does enough to pique your interest and a desire to watch episode two is more about the promise of the premise than the quality of the show. The knowledge that it’s based on a novel makes one hope that the series will be have a distinct resolution and be self-contained and not the drag-it-out-a-thon that Lost turned into. The acting is fine, the writing and direction are okay but using off-the-shelf characters such as an unconvincing family (endlessly saying ‘I hate you,’ even if you don’t mean it, does not contribute to a successful relationship) and creepy all-knowing kids ("there are no more good days" and "I know, Olivia") just wearies the heart (children are not insightful or wise). This FlashForward episode contains unpleasant scenes and a sex scene.

Stealth Fighter (1999, Cheap Action Movie) – 5/10 review

Director: Jim Wynorski Ice-T: Owen Turner Costas Mandylor: Ryan Mitchell Ernie Hudson: President Westwood Andrew Divoff: Roberto Menedez Erika Eleniak: Erin Mitchell William Sadler: Peterson Executive Producer: Ice-T Producer: Jim Wynorski Writer (Additional Material And Dialogue): Roger Wade

Stealth Fighter (1999) An ace pilot fakes his own death and re-emerges several years later working for a disgruntled someone-or-other who is attempting to extort the release of political prisoners from the United States. 5/10 What we have here is a vaguely competent direct-to-video movie (by erotic movie director Jim Wynorski as Jay Andrews) and a better-than-average spot-the-borrowed-movie-footage-and-sets game. The movie ends up being surprising fun with gleefully awful dialogue, a President with a Depressing Rectangle Office, a hilarious stealth fighter / F-16 duel and Ice-T looking more like a bad-tempered plumber than an ace fighter pilot. I enjoyed it, but I was probably in the right mood. This movie contains sexual swear words, adult dialogue and violence, some strong but no gore. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

The A-Team 1.03 Children of Jamestown (1983, TV) – 5/10 review

George Peppard: John "Hannibal" Smith Dirk Benedict: Templeton "Face" Peck Melinda Culea: Amy Amanda Allen Dwight Schultz: "Howling Mad" Murdock Mr. T: B.A. Baracus Co-Executive Producer: Frank Lupo Writer (Series’ Creator): Frank Lupo Writer (Series’ Creator): Stephen J. Cannell Gerrit Graham: Ron Hayes: John Saxon: Martin James John Carter: Writer: Stephen J. Cannell Director: Christian I. Nyby II Second Unit Director: Craig R. Baxley

A-Team, The 1.03 Children of Jamestown (1983) The A-Team is hired to rescue Sheila Rogers, a young girl who has been brainwashed into a religious cult. Brilliantly, they manage to get themselves captured in the escape. 5/10 The A-Team starts here with the opening narration, the van and Dirk Benedict in the cast. Annoyingly, it’s rather decent fun. Annoying, as it’s weakly scripted and writer Stephen J. Cannell has already run out of ideas and resorted to insanity instead of character. John Saxon has the unfortunate responsibility of carrying off the loopy reverend but his stunt double does deliver an hilarious comeuppance by being propelled out of a jeep. The team themselves are fine with a really nice moment where they join hands in support to lift Amy’s spirits and another nice detail when Hannibal cleans a Bible before leaving for the end credits. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941, Romantic Fantasy Movie) – 5/10 review

Robert Montgomery: Joe Pendleton Claude Rains: Mr. Jordan Evelyn Keyes: Bette Logan Writer (Screenplay): Sidney Buchman Writer (Screenplay): Seton I. Miller Writer (Original Play) "Heaven Can Wait": Harry Segall Producer: Everett Riskin Director: Alexander Hall

Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941) Up-and-coming boxer Joe Pendleton is killed in an air crash just before his shot at the world title and insistently remonstrates with the officials in pre-Heaven that it wasn’t his time. When they check, it turns out he was right – he would have survived except for the over-eager messenger taking him too soon – and try to return him to his body only to find it has been cremated. 5/10 While the fantasy element and jumping off point for the plot are interesting, almost nothing else in the movie works. The romantic element is awfully, horribly unconvincing and the police procedural element is toe-curlingly embarrassing. There is, however, agreeable fun friction between Robert Montgomery’s wrongfully plucked-from-his-not-so-certain-death boxer and Edward Everett Horton’s pluckee and Claude Rains amiably strolls around as the eponymous Mr. Jordan. This movie contains mild adult dialogue and boxing violence. Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Agatha Christie: Marple 4.01 A Pocket Full of Rye (2009, Mystery TV) – 5/10 review

Julia McKenzie: Miss Marple Writer (Original Novel): Agatha Christie Helen Baxendale: Mary Dove Joseph Beattie: Vivian Dubois Ken Campbell: Crump Lucy Cohu: Pat Fortescue Kenneth Cranham: Rex Fortescue Rupert Graves: Lance Fortescue Ralf Little: Sergeant Pickford Matthew Macfadyen: Inspector Neele Anna Madeley: Adele Fortescue Ben Miles: Percival Fortescue Hattie Morahan: Elaine Fortescue Wendy Richard: Mrs Crump Edward Tudor Pole: Professor Bernsdorrf Liz White: Jennifer Fortescue Prunella Scales: Mrs Mackenzie Writer (Screenplay): Kevin Elyot Producer: Karen Thrussell Director: Charles Palmer In Memory Of 1941 to 2008: Ken Campbell In Memory Of 1943 to 2009: Wendy Richard

Agatha Christie: Marple 4.01 Pocket Full of Rye, A (2009) Unloved patriarch and odious businessman-losing-his-touch Rex Fortescue dies drinking his morning tea while alone in his office. He’s been poisoned but, even more unusually, his pocket is full of rye. 5/10 This whodunit has a brilliant intrigue (why does a dead man have a pocketful of the eponymous rye?) and a mystery where, as is ideal, all the clues can be clearly presented visually without giving the game away. Sadly, new Marple Julia Mckenzie doesn’t sound like an old lady and doesn’t have much of a reason to be where she is most of the time but she does look the part. The critical problem, though, is the same as all the ITV Christie stuff for years: no atmosphere, no fun and no humanity. In place of genuine atmosphere, it’s photographed in a permanent haze. The clumsy director also clearly isn’t interested in character and performance and spends his time impressing himself with flashbacks and different but boring composition. It’s quite well paced but when you’re expecting it to wrap things up, there’s still another ad-break to go. This Agatha Christie: Marple episode contains unpleasant scenes, violence and mild sexuality.

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008, Animated Comedy Action Movie) – 5/10 review

Ben Stiller: Alex Chris Rock: Marty David Schwimmer: Melman Jada Pinkett Smith: Gloria Sacha Baron Cohen: Julien Cedric "The Entertainer": Maurice Andy Richter: Mort Bernie Mac: Zuba Alec Baldwin: Makunga Sherri Shepherd: Mom Will.I.Am: Moto Moto Director: Eric Darnell Director: Tom McGrath Writer: Etan Cohen Writer: Eric Darnell Writer: Tom McGrath Head Of Character Animation: Rex Grignon Tom McGrath: Skipper Eric Darnell: Joe the Witch Doctor, Poacher #2 Tom McGrath: Lemur Chris Rock: Additional Zebras

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008) Alex, Marty, Melman and Gloria leave Madagascar and crash land in Africa, right where Alex originally came from. 5/10 Depends how funny you find ritual sacrifice, inferred inter-species love / sex (something DreamWorks’ Shrek and Bee Movie also did; kid’s movies that promote bestiality?) and extreme violence against and from terrifyingly designed grannies. As a tiny kid movie, it does work but for anyone in double-digits, it only just staves off boredom and features what feels like a cut-and-paste screenplay from other, equally unimaginative, franchise stimulators. Terrific animal character visual designs are the selling point here but the principle artistic merit of the movie is to help you appreciate contemporary Pixar, Aardman and classic Disney even more. This movie contains mild bad language, mild adult dialogue and extreme comic violence. Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Get Smart (2008, Comedy Action Movie) – 5/10 review

Director: Peter Segal Steve Carell: Maxwell Smart Anne Hathaway: Agent 99 Dwayne Johnson: Agent 23 Alan Arkin: The Chief Terence Stamp: Siegfried Terry Crews: Agent 91 David Koechner: Larabee James Caan: The President Executive Producer: Peter Segal Executive Producer: Steve Carell Writer (Characters’ Creator): Mel Brooks Writer (Characters’ Creator): Buck Henry Writer: Tom J. Astle Writer: Matt Ember Consultant: Mel Brooks Consultant: Buck Henry

Get Smart (2008) After all their agents are compromised, CONTROL is left only with Agent 99 (fresh from facial reconstruction) and newly promoted star analyst Maxwell Smart to combat the conniving evil of KAOS. 5/10 It feels mean to say that there’s two-and-a-half minutes of fun with the minimum required imagination in-between to fulfil the running time but, even though it’s just entertaining enough, the vacuum of intelligence, a disdain for the audience and an uncertain tone (is he a doofus or not?) really use up goodwill generated by the stars Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway and Dwayne Johnson. And will somebody please give Dwayne Johnson something amazing to be brilliant in. Remarkably, his fun feature film debut The Scorpion King remains his best starring role. This movie contains mild swear words, mild adult dialogue and violence, some extreme violence and a homosexual sex joke. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride (1998, Disney DVD Movie) – 5/10 review

Director: Darrell Rooney Co-Director: Rob LaDuca

Lion King II: Simba’s Pride, The (1998) Now king of Pride Rock, Simba has to deal with the exiled Scar supporters who still threaten Simba’s personal circle of life. 5/10 If the original Lion King was Hamlet, this direct-to-video sequel is Romeo and Juliet. In a break from musical sequel tradition the new original songs are generally rather good with the best being the brilliant He Lives In You (the only one from the original film composer Hans Zimmer). Sadly these are wasted because the rest of the movie is often as average as expected and more often completely mistaken in concept. The main single problem is the script which replays lines and scenes from the original with no interpretation, imagination, wit or style and only succeeds in weakening this movie. Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All. Links Previous: The Lion King

Transformers: The Game (2007, Game, 360) – 5/10 review

Director: Jon Burton Producer: Andrew Burrows Lead Designer: Jon Burton Lead Programmer: Stephen Harding Lead Artist: Leon Warren Lead Animator: Jeremy Pardon Head of Production: Paul Flanagan Head Of Technology: Dave Dootson Peter Cullen: Optimus Prime Shia LaBeouf: Sam Witwicky Megan Fox: Mikaela Banes

Transformers Transformers: Game, The (2007) Battle as the Autobots to protect the world from the Decepticons or battle as the Decepticons to smash the Autobots and claim Earth for yourself. Or do both. 5/10 This is a game that is definitely quite close to being enjoyable but it isn’t fun enough, often enough. Instead, Traveller’s Tales keep throwing needless niggles into the mix. The clearest example of the dichotomy of the game are the graphics. They look sorta ugly (360 version reviewed) and feel like you’re running through mud yet feature a spectacular amount of action and destructibility and the Transformers themselves look, especially on a really big screen, rather impressive. Another example is the appearance of it being an open-world game. However, most of the sequences will see you fail because you get hurled out of a tiny arbitrary "action area". Apparently, you can only pummel robots on certain streets at certain times. So while this ends up being another weak movie game, it nearly wasn’t, and in the movie game genre, that’s praise, indeed. This Transformers game contains extended graphic and extreme mecha violence. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

24 7.22 Day 7: 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Kiefer Sutherland: Jack Bauer Mary Lynn Rajskub: Chloe O’Brian Annie Wersching: FBI Acting Special Agent in Charge Renee Walker Bob Gunton: Ethan Kanin Janeane Garofalo: Janis Gold Carlos Bernard: Tony Almeida Elisha Cuthbert: Kim Bauer Glenn Morshower: Agent Aaron Pierce Will Patton: Alan Wilson Co-Executive Producer: Brad Turner Executive Producer: Evan Katz Producer: Michael Klick Writer (Series’ Creator): Joel Surnow Writer (Series’ Creator): Robert Cochran Writer: Evan Katz Director: Brad Turner

24 7.22 Day 7: 5:00 AM – 6:00 AM (2009) Jack interrogates Tony’s man (with Renee Walker’s blessing) to try and find Tony. Though they hit a stumbling block, Jack instinctively knows in his heart of hearts that it’s nothing that shouting at Chloe and Janice can’t fix. 5/10 This is the first completely duff episode of this seventh season and, sadly, it appears to set up a double-duff final double episode that looks like it is going to be awful as Jack has SPOILER his daughter’s life used as a hold over him (that’s not really a spoiler since it’s horribly telegraphed from early in the episode if you’ve ever watched, well, television before). Unfortunately, the audience couldn’t care less about Elisha Cuthbert and are wondering why Jack doesn’t communicate with his colleagues by simply writing on something. Perhaps, with all their mobiles phones and ear-pieces and SHOUTING, they’ve forgotten how to. As has previously been the case with 24, when the writers run out of ideas, they resort to violence and torture and this is also the most violent episode of this season. This 24 episode contains very strong melee and interrogation violence. Links Previous episode Next episode: Season Finale

House M.D. 5.19 Locked In (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House Omar Epps: Dr. Eric Foreman Robert Sean Leonard: Dr. James Wilson Jennifer Morrison: Dr. Allison Cameron Jesse Spencer: Dr. Robert Chase Writer (Series’ Creator): David Shore Peter Jacobson: Dr. Chris Taub Kal Penn: Dr. Lawrence Kutner Olivia Wilde: Thirteen Faune A. Chambers: Molly John Kapelos: Dr. Kurtz Mos Def: Lee Producer: David Foster Executive Producer: Russel Friend Executive Producer: Garrett Lerner Executive Producer: David Shore Writer: Russel Friend Writer: Garrett Lerner Writer: David Foster Director: Daniel Attias

House M.D. 5.19 Locked In (2009) House saves a man’s life after falling off his motorbike in New York. The man has Locked In Syndrome but as he attempts to diagnose, he is also trying to determine whether Taub is motivated to continue and Wilson wants to know what House was doing in New York in the first place. 5/10 House’s dialogue is as awesome as ever but he is hitting Taub when he’s down really hard. Otherwise, this feels like a concerted effort to win an award as this is a gimmick episode and large parts of the episode take place with the camera as the eyes of the patient-of-the-week. Unfortunately, the camera is waved around as if we are moving our whole head and so it doesn’t work from the get-go. Mos Def’s apparently casual delivery is always a nice change of pace whatever he’s in but, as the medical side of things is typically muddled, spending so much time on it reduces the effectiveness of the episode. The other little battle of wills is between House and Wilson as the latter tries to discover why the former had a motorcycle accident in New York but it’s rather flat. Links Previous episode: Here Kitty Next episode: Simple Explanation

Smallville 8.17 Hex (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Erica Durance: Lois Lane Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Serinda Swan: Zatanna Writer: Bryan Q. Miller Director: Mairzee Almas

Smallville 8.17 Hex (2009) Feeling miserable at her own birthday party thanks to her recent break-up with Jimmy, Lois and Oliver having to leave prematurely and Clark not even showing up, Chloe makes a birthday wish at the behest of mega-babe magician Zatanna. However, she is staggered when her desire to swap for the journalistic life of Lois comes true. 5/10 Given that this is another of Smallville’s possession storylines, it’s absolutely not as bad as feared. I was expecting the last straw but, thanks to a reliance on character and a, frankly, smoking hot magician’s outfit for Serinda Swan (and her Zatanna not being a baddie), it is entertaining enough. As usual for this season, it never makes the most of the setup and never involves you emotionally. The regular cast outside of Erica Durance feel like they’re just reading their lines. This lack of heartfelt performance is a shame as some of the script this week is better than for a while. There’s no Jimmy, no Doomsday, no Davis Bloome, no Tess Mercer and no violence. The story is fine and, as a bonus, the mechanism for undoing the wishes and restoring Smaillville’s status quo is, unusually, refreshingly simple and entirely acceptable (when you don’t wish it anymore, it isn’t so). Links Previous episode: Turbulence Zatanna (Serinda Swan) from Vancouver Film.net Zatanna (Serinda Swan) and Green Arrow (Justin Hartley) from Vancouver Film.net Next episode: Eternal

House M.D. 5.18 Here Kitty (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House Lisa Edelstein: Dr. Lisa Cuddy Omar Epps: Dr. Eric Foreman Robert Sean Leonard: Dr. James Wilson Jesse Spencer: Dr. Robert Chase Writer (Series’ Creator): David Shore Peter Jacobson: Dr. Chris Taub Kal Penn: Dr. Lawrence Kutner Olivia Wilde: Thirteen Judy Greer: Christopher Moynihan: Neil Zane Co-Executive Producer: Peter Blake Executive Producer: David Shore Writer: Peter Blake Director: Juan J. Campanella

House M.D. 5.18 Here Kitty (2009) House is busy trying to get out of work until a nurse is brought in by Cuddy and she starts having a seizure while explaining her, apparently minor, symptoms. A bored House is about to leave but then someone points out that she has urinated herself (common for a seizure) and that her urine is green. Now that’s interesting. As is a grumpy Taub. But not as interesting as a cat who can predict death. 5/10 There’s quite a lot of fun but not a lot of sense. This is an unconvincing episode from House’s character and House’s case-of-the-week though one moment that did work was House’s triumphant summation being punctuated by him having forgotten to cancel the patient’s unnecessary life-threatening brain surgery. Taub’s storyline worked well while the Foreteen storyline seems to have been entirely forgotten. The fun came from an unexpected Bond quote and House going to all the trouble of getting a full-size ladder into his office just for a laugh among other things. Links Previous episode: The Social Contract Next episode: Locked In

Smallville 8.15 Infamous (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Erica Durance: Lois Lane Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Tori Spelling: Linda Lake Writer: Caroline Dries Director: Glen Winter

Smallville 8.15 Infamous (2009) Former gossip-columnist Linda Lake (who can turn into water) returns and threatens to expose Clark by sending his story to the papers unless he, well, er, I dunno, I was freaked by Tori Spelling’s disturbing mouth and man-chin. Anyway, he decides that perhaps it’s time to introduce himself to the world on his own terms and gets Lois to write his story. 5/10 We’ve been down this road before in Reckoning (season five episode twelve) when Clark told Lana his secret and, as a result, SPOILER she gets killed, Clark uses a use-once Kryptonian crystal to turn back time, doesn’t tell her and this time Jonathan Kent dies. However, we’ve got rather less good-will for Smallville now and despite the surprisingly welcome return of Erica Durance (now the only decent cast member and looking lovelier than ever) and the thrill of seeing her find out Clark’s secret, the insistence on US TV of having everything turn out bad all the time and then undone before next week’s episode means that the episode quickly becomes wearisome. The episode does highlight some potentially interesting subjects including the privacy of a celebrity, mud-sticking journalism and a struggle against internal evil but polishing it all off in forty minutes and a lack of ambition or imagination means that none of it really resonates. Links Previous episode: Requiem Next episode: Turbulence

Planet of the Apes (2001, Movie) – 5/10 review

Mark Wahlberg: Captain Leo Davidson Tim Roth: Thade Helena Bonham Carter: Ari Michael Clarke Duncan: Attar Kris Kristofferson: Karubi Estella Warren: Daena Paul Giamatti: Limbo Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa: Krull David Warner: Sandar Writer (Original Novel): Pierre Boulle Writer (Screenplay): William Broyles, Jr. Writer (Screenplay): Lawrence Konner Writer (Screenplay): Mark Rosenthal Director: Tim Burton Writer (Original Screenplay): Michael Wilson Writer (Original Screenplay): Rod Serling Charlton Heston: Zaius (Thade’s Father)

Planet of the Apes (2001) Captain Leo Davidson, for reasons too stupid to go into, finds himself crash landing through a bizarre space storm on to a planet where apes are the dominant species and fond of quoting lines from the 1967 movie Planet of the Apes. 5/10 Entirely non-sensical science-fiction action movie that remains curiously bland despite some of the greatest make-up ever seen and the presence of director Tim Burton. In fact, my brother hit the nail on the head when he commented that "this didn’t feel like a Tim Burton film." That said, we can enjoy apes doing all sorts of fun things such as removing their wigs and false teeth (my favourite), cheating at cards, getting ready for foreplay, playing in a musical street quartet and a number of other wonderfully mundane things. In fact, the mundane normality of the ape existence is probably the best thing about the entire movie. Burton easily manages to convince us that this is a living, breathing city of apes, many of whom just go about their day to day life without affecting the plot. This movie contains extreme violence, mild gore. Classified 12 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 12 years and over.

Agatha Christie’s Poirot 6.01 Hercule Poirot’s Christmas (1994, TV) – 5/10 review

David Suchet: Hercule Poirot Philip Jackson: Chief Inspector Japp Writer (Original Novel): Agatha Christie Writer (Dramatization): Clive Exton Vernon Dobtcheff: Simeon Lee

Poirot, Agatha Christie’s 6.01 Hercule Poirot’s Christmas (1994) "For Poirot it will be a quiet Christmas." Poirot’s powers of prophecy are not as finely tuned as his powers of deduction as he finds himself – thanks to a heating malfunction in his own apartment – staying at the home of the odious Simeon Lee who believes that his life is in danger. Sure enough, Lee is brutally murdered soon thereafter. 5/10 While the mechanics of the locked-room murder are agreeably ingenious, Clive Exton fails to bring much of his usual humour and humanity to the script and doesn’t disguise the fact that Poirot couldn’t possibly know what he knows at the end (he could know the murderer, the method and, possibly, the motive but not the murderer’s mother or where she was staying). Exton also fails to successfully present any of the suspects as genuinely having the means, motive and opportunity to commit the crime. A bit weak, then, but still watchable thanks to David Suchet’s Poirot and Philip Jackson’s Japp who hadn’t yet lost their humanity and friendship in their performances. This Poirot, Agatha Christie’s episode contains bad language and blade violence, inferred strong violence, unpleasant scenes. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008, Movie) – 5/10 review

Director: Guillermo Del Toro Writer (Screenplay): Guillermo Del Toro Writer (Story): Guillermo Del Toro Writer (Story): Mike Mignola Writer (Characters’ Creator) from the Dark Horse comic book: Mike Mignola Producer: Lawrence Gordon Producer: Mike Richardson Producer: Lloyd Levin Ron Perlman: Hellboy Selma Blair: Liz Doug Jones: Abe Sapien, Chamberlain, Angel of Death Jeffrey Tambor: Tom Manning Luke Goss: Prince Nuada Anna Walton: Princess Nuala Seth MacFarlane: Voice of Johann John Hurt: Professor Broom Co-Executive Producer: Mike Mignola

Hellboy II: Golden Army, The (2008) Prince Nuada decides that man’s abuse of the planet should end at his hands or, more specifically, at the hands of an indestructible Golden Army. All he needs is to gather the three pieces of the controlling crown and, er, find the Golden Army. 5/10 Disappointingly incoherent monster mash whose impactless story isn’t helped by interminable and unimaginative, but extremely violent, action scenes which simply involve things hitting each other until they stop hitting each other. While director Guillermo Del Toro once more brings impressive creature designs to the table, and the pre-title sequence is really cool (and includes John Hurt), he also brings his traditional problem of pacing that makes his films seem longer than they are. This isn’t a particularly long film (107 minutes to the beginning of the end credits) but it feels it, especially when things start hitting each other. This movie contains mild swear words and extreme fantasy violence, extremely unpleasant scenes. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult. Links Hellboy

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen aka LXG (2003, Movie) – 5/10 review

Producer: Don Murphy Sean Connery: Allan Quartermain Shane West: Tom Sawyer Stuart Townsend: Dorian Gray Richard Roxburgh: Moriarty (Fantom) Peta Wilson: Mina Harker Tony Curran: Rodney Skinner Jason Flemyng: Dr. Henry Jekyll / Edward Hyde Naseeruddin Shah: Captain Nemo David Hemmings: Nigel Max Ryan: Dante Writer (Original Graphic Novel): Alan Moore Writer (Original Graphic Novel): Kevin O’Neill, W Writer (Screenplay): James Dale Robinson Director: Stephen Norrington

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) London’s M brings together a League of Extraordinary People to fight the evil known as the Fantom who is about to topple the world into war. He recruits legendary hunter Allan Quartermain, legendary pirate Nemo, legendarily invisible Rodney Skinner, legendarily bloodthirsty Mina Harker, legendarily long-lived Dorian Gray, legendary monster Mr. Hyde and the not-legendary at all token American Tom Sawyer (he’s a detective, wow). 5/10 Clunky superhero would-be epic that offers a lot of good concepts but, while useless music, a silly Venice collapsing sequence (the precise moment the movie falls apart) and the presence of the completely unextraordinary character Tom Sawyer are the most obvious failures, it’s principle failing is the lack of the X factor. There is no magic, no extraordinariness. While it is surprisingly appropriate that Connery’s on-screen career would end with this, it’s a shame it was in such a misfire. Such was his experience, director Steven Norrington also imposed the end of his directorial career upon himself. This movie contains mild swear words and extreme violence, extreme fantasy violence, unpleasant and gory scenes. Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

House M.D. 5.13 Big Baby (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House Lisa Edelstein: Dr. Lisa Cuddy Omar Epps: Dr. Eric Foreman Robert Sean Leonard: Dr. James Wilson Jennifer Morrison: Dr. Allison Cameron Jesse Spencer: Dr. Robert Chase Writer (Series’ Creator): David Shore Peter Jacobson: Dr. Chris Taub Kal Penn: Dr. Lawrence Kutner Olivia Wilde: Thirteen Erika Flores: Sarah Producer: David Foster Co-Executive Producer: Lawrence Kaplow Co-Executive Producer: Deran Sarafian Executive Producer: David Shore Writer: David Foster Writer: Lawrence Kaplow Director: Deran Sarafian

House M.D. 5.13 Big Baby (2009) Some woman has some medical condition that no-one can solve but House. Foreman has an ethical dilemma regarding Thirteen. Cuddy is failing to bond with her baby and Cameron has to but heads with House for the first time as his boss. 5/10 We’re most definitely in the mid-season lull typical of most American shows. It’s not surprising since they run for so long, but despite the muddled and extremely unconvincing medical plot and poorly written dramatic plots (Cuddy’s inability to bond with her baby and Thirteen and Foreman’s – shudder – relationship; though it’s nice to see Thirteen looking happy), House still has enough moments of acerbic fun to stick with it. However, it is probably time to give him a sabbatical. Links Previous episode: Painless Next episode: The Greater Good

House M.D. 5.12 Painless (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House Lisa Edelstein: Dr. Lisa Cuddy Omar Epps: Dr. Eric Foreman Robert Sean Leonard: Dr. James Wilson Jennifer Morrison: Dr. Allison Cameron Jesse Spencer: Dr. Robert Chase Writer (Series’ Creator): David Shore Peter Jacobson: Dr. Chris Taub Kal Penn: Dr. Lawrence Kutner Olivia Wilde: Thirteen Martin Henderson: Jeff Jake Cherry: Zack Sarah Danielle Madison: Lynne Alex Fernandez: Fernando Anthony Montgomery: James Carlton Lori Petty: Janice Burke Co-Executive Producer: Eli Attie Executive Producer: Thomas L. Moran Executive Producer: David Shore Writer: Thomas L. Moran Writer: Eli Attie Director: Andrew Bernstein

House M.D. 5.12 Painless (2009) Cameron gets House to look at a patient suffering from chronic pain who has just attempted suicide. While House sees the parallels instantly – his own pain is definitely worsening – he still targets his own inimitable diagnosis techniques of taking the patient to near death before coming up with a miraculous cure. Meanwhile, he also targets his formidable intellect and deviousness into getting his insurance to pay for a damaged water pipe in his apartment. 5/10 Thirteen and Foreman’s relationship is almost as painful as driven-to-suicide patient-of-the-week’s condition (and it’s icky) and while House’s SPOILER epilepsy of the testicles END SPOILER diagnosis is miraculously impressive you’re certainly not convinced. House and Cuddy have a moment of fun while Jennifer Morrison looks like she’ll be getting a bump in lines from now on. Moppet Jake Cherry is good as a distressed son. I did enjoy the line where House asks Cuddy, genuinely and seriously, if he can cut a patient’s head off. Which he then does. Cool. This House M.D. episode contains adult dialogue and unpleasant scenes. Links Previous episode: Joy to the World Next episode: Big Baby

Hustle 5.03 (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Adrian Lester: Mickey Stone Robert Glenister: Ash Morgan Matt Di Angelo: Sean Kennedy Kelly Adams: Emma Kennedy Robert Vaughn: Albert Stroller Writer: Fintan Ryan Producer: Kerry Appleyard Director: Julian Simpson Writer (Series’ Creator): Tony Jordan Writer (Original Idea): Bharat Nalluri

Hustle 5.03 Series 5 Episode 3 of 6 (2009) With Albert due out after a parole hearing on Friday, the gang decide to pull off a nice con as a coming-out present for him. The target is a judge who is thought to have accepted a bung (but never received it) and with that, the game is on. 5/10 The entertainment value of Hustle is directly related to how Robin Hood the story is. Though this week’s ‘villain’ is crooked judge Tim McInnerny (he accepted one bung during a career renowned for delivering full verdicts) he isn’t odious enough to make the episode work. The little pieces of Albert in prison work rather better, Eddie gets treated rather better than normal and it’s still slick and quite enjoyable but, this week, inexcusable. Links Previous episode Next episode

Smallville 8.11 Legion (2009, TV) – 5/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel Writer (Characters’ Creator): Joe Shuster Developer for Television: Alfred Gough Developer for Television: Miles Millar Kristin Kreuk: Lana Ryan Kennedy: Rokk Alexz Johnson: Imra Calum Worthy: Garth Writer: Geoff Johns Director: Glen Winter

Smallville 8.11 Legion (2009) With Chloe consumed by Brainiac and now incubating Davis into Doomsday permanently, Clark is distracted from his initial by a huge dude materialising in the barn and nearly chopping him in half with an axe. 5/10 This an episode packed with new characters (this episode only) and interesting elements but doesn’t quite come together. It’s heart is definitely in the right place, though, and that makes it worthwhile. Unfortunately, Tom Welling isn’t very good here. He appears half-hearted, is laden with clunky dialogue and looks like he’ll be glad when it’s over. It’s a shame as he’s been so good for so long and his lacklustre performances this season may override the memory of his earlier good work. The episode brings up the thoughts of Cal-el’s principles and the reality of meeting a legend you only knew through history books and both are interesting but their potential is not realised. This Smallville episode contains extreme and graphic fantasy violence, gory and unpleasant. Links Previous episode: Bride Next episode: Bulletproof

Jonathan Creek Special The Grinning Man (2008, TV) – 5/10 review

Alan Davies: Jonathan Creek Sheridan Smith: Joey Ross Writer: David Renwick Stuart Milligan: Adam Klaus Producer: Nerys Evans Director: David Renwick

Jonathan Creek Special Grinning Man, The (2008) Jonathan Creek teams up with paranormal debunker Joey Ross to solve a locked room mystery where one of her friends disappeared and is presumed dead. The room has a terrible history having dealt similarly with several previous overnight occupants and so Creek, not the police, bizarrely, is brought in by the house’s owner. 5/10 Writer David Renwick directs better than expected and manages to supply some decent nightmare-inducing atmosphere which makes you wish that you hadn’t watched this immediately before going to bed at 2:30 in the morning (which I did, gulp; he nearly does for baths what Hitchcock did for showers and a spooky painting doesn’t help matters). However, his complete loss of good taste, horribly exposed in Love Soup, is delivered here with an unnecessary and unpleasant 3D-porn ‘comic-relief’ plot and a two scenes of very unpleasantly graphic violence (a throat-cutting insultingly passed off for a time as an emergency tracheotomy and a clubbing). It may not sound like much spread over the gargantuan two-hour length but, as I’ve noted before about this show, Jonathan Creek should be the kind of thing that earns worldwide repeat fees on a Sunday afternoon for ever and a day like Columbo, Poirot or even the BBC’s own Doctor Who. Writer David Renwick appears to have run out of wit and so supplies the desperate-writer standbys of sex and violence (for example see all serial dramas ever made) to provide his garnishes. It’s time he stopped. This Jonathan Creek episode contains a sexual swear word, mild swear words, strong adult dialogue and graphic and gory violence and sexuality, inferred pornographic scene.

The Black Hole (1979, Movie) – 5/10 review

Maximilian Schell: Dr. Hans Reinhardt Anthony Perkins: Dr. Alex Durant Robert Forster: Captain Dan Holland Joseph Bottoms: Lieutenant Charles Pizer Yvette Mimieux: Dr. Kate McCrae Ernest Borgnine: Harry Booth Writer (Story): Jeb Rosebrook Writer (Story): Bob Barbash Writer (Story): Richard Landau Writer (Screenplay): Jeb Rosebrook Writer (Screenplay): Gerry Day Producer: Ron Miller Director: Gary Nelson

Black Hole, The (1979) A spaceship crew encounters another craft straying dangerously near the gateway to a black hole. They find the vessel to be manned by robots and a mad scientist. 5/10 There are some movies where you can see why the producers decided to make it but the end result goes horribly wrong. This is one of those movies. To be fair it is not a complete disaster but it is the next best thing. This movie contains graphic violence, gory and unpleasant scenes. Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Wallander 1.01 Sidetracked (2008) – 5/10 review

Kenneth Branagh: Kurt Wallander Writer: Richard Cottan Writer (Original Novel) Sidetracked: Henning Mankell Executive Producer: Francis Hopkinson Producer: Simon Moseley Producer: Daniel Ahlqvist Director: Philip Martin Executive Producer: Kenneth Branagh

Wallander 1.01 Sidetracked (2008) Still reeling from a fifteen-year-old girl inexplicably setting herself on fire when he identifies himself, Detective Kurt Wallander has to focus on an unusually violent new case when a prominent politician is killed with an axe and scalped. 5/10 The problem with hiring an intense, talented actor like Kenneth Branagh and then giving him an embarrassingly ordinary script and placing him in a production without atmosphere or energy is that he rather sticks out like a sore thumb. Therefore, Branagh frequently marches around with an intensity the script hasn’t provided for and has to look surprised when the story involves child abuse, human trafficking and prostitution. Hasn’t he seen a detective drama in the last twenty years? That’s what they’re all about. As an executive producer, he certainly has to take some of the blame himself but it’s a shame to see his talent wasted here. I won’t bother with episode two, and you shouldn’t bother with episode one. This Wallander episode contains mild swear words, adult dialogue and subject of human trafficking, prostitution and child abuse and unpleasant scene of someone setting themselves on fire, brief gory blade violence, gory and unpleasant scenes. Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.