G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009, Science Fiction Action Adventure) – 2/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Director: Stephen Sommers
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stuart Beattie
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: David Elliot
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Paul Lovett
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Michael B. Gordon
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stuart Beattie
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stephen Sommers
Producer: Lorenzo di Bonaventura
Producer: Brian Goldner
Producer: Bob Ducsay
Executive Producer: Stephen Sommers
Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje: Heavy Duty
Christopher Eccleston: McCullen / Destro
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: The Doctor / Rex
Byung-Hun Lee: Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller: Ana / Baroness
Rachel Nichols: Scarlett
Ray Park: Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce: U.S. President
Saïd Taghmaoui: Breaker
Channing Tatum: Duke
Arnold Vosloo: Zartan
Marlon Wayans: Ripcord
Dennis Quaid: General Hawk

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, The (2009)

Supplier of 70% of the world’s weaponry, M.A.R.S. has spent $13 billion of NATO’s cash on producing four nanomite missiles each capable of endless destruction. Deeming it too expensive and difficult to build himself another one or two, M.A.R.S. CEO James "Should Be A Banker" McCullen, from his UNDERWATER CITY, decides to steal the missiles back so that he can fire them at Paris, Moscow, Washington and Tokyo. Cuz.

2/10

This is a movie made from a script that was surely, surely, submitted as a joke. There’s no passion, love or apparent interest from any of the makers of the movie from director / story writer / executive producer Stephen Sommers and half-hearted production designer Edward Verreaux down through every person listed in the end credits. Nobody cared. As a director, Stephen Sommers is probably incapable of making an unwatchable movie but you’ll only need the corner of your eye to take this one in. You can safely do knitting at the same time. Or brain surgery. As an aside, editor / executive producer Bob Ducsay reveals on the commentary that he is married to the stupidest woman on earth (SPOILER she didn’t see the Arnold Vosloo = President plot twist coming).

This movie contains mild swear words and strong violence.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

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