A Good Day to Die Hard (2013) -1/10 action movie review

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Cast / crew
Director: John Moore
John McClane: Bruce Willis
Jai Courtney: Jack McClane
Sebastian Koch: Komarov
Yulia Snigir: Irina
Rasha Bukvic: Alik
Cole Hauser: Collins
Executive Producer and Writer Certain Original Characters by Roderick Thorp: Skip Woods
Producer: Alex Young
Producer: Wyck Godfrey
Certain Original Characters Creator: Roderick Thorp

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

John McClane travels to Russia where his son, Jack, has wound up in prison but when they meet up it turns out that Jack is an undercover CIA agent and this was all part of his plan. Plans aren’t really John’s thing, though, so he sets about messing that up right away.

1/10

Worthless, incoherent nonsense featuring a disdainful performance from a sleepwalking Bruce Willis who essentially goes around shouting at stupid foreigners then shooting at stupid foreigners; a racist with an armoury annoyed that they might not understand his embarrassingly weak one-liners. While it certainly keeps it’s foot firmly on the gas and is over before you know it, it is at the expense of logical, flowing, imaginative, working action sequences (despite some spectacular vehicular stunt work). There’s no ambition here beyond making a film with the words "Die Hard" in the title.

This movie contains sexual swear words, graphic violence

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Robin B Hood (2006, Jackie Chan Action Comedy) – 1/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Producer: Jackie Chan
Executive Producer: Jackie Chan
Executive Producer: Albert Yeung
Executive Producer: Willie Chan
Executive Producer: Wang Zhongjun
Director: Benny Chan
Jackie Chan: Thongs
Louis Koo: Octopus
Michael Hui: Landlord
Chen Baoguo:
Gao Yuanyuan: Melody
Matthew Medvedev: The Baby
Writer: Jackie Chan
Writer: Benny Chan
Writer: Alan Yuen
Writer (Story): Alan Yuen
Biao Yuen: Steve Mok
Wong Yuk-man:

Robin B Hood (2006)

Thongs and Octopus are master thieves but useless humans. Thongs has a serious gambling problem and an alienated family and Octopus blows his money on women and things to impress women while being horrible to his pregnant wife. After their boss Landlord has his ill-gotten gains stolen, he comes up with a plan that will net them $7 million in one go but he fails to tell Thongs and Octopus exactly what they’ll be stealing this time.

1/10

This is a near-unbelievably poor Jackie Chan film which builds up from Jackie stealing medicine from a hospital to, arguably, the most stupid, genuinely astonishing and audience insulting climax in movie history. Don’t let this awesome picture of Louis Koo hoovering up the baby or the fact that Jackie’s character is called Thongs tempt you into watching this. Remember how Gorgeous was stupendously dull in between all-time classic fight scenes? Well this is similar except the fight scenes are merely okay and in-between we have Jackie Chan making up for a lack of homosexuality and poop in his earlier movies in addition to being an gambling-addicted baby-kidnapping thief aided and abetted by a feckless wastrel. It’s really far worse than I’m making it sound.

This movie contains mild swear words and dangerous behaviour including putting a baby in a washing machine, in a deep freeze and defibrillating it using a car battery, martial arts violence.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Open Season (2006, Cynical Money-Grabbing Animated Adventure) – 1/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Martin Lawrence: Boog
Ashton Kutcher: Elliot
Debra Messing: Beth
Gary Sinise: Shaw
Billy Connolly: McSquizzy
Jon Favreau: Reilly
Director: Roger Allers
Director: Jill Culton
Co-Director: Anthony F. Stacchi
Producer: Michelle Murdocca
Executive Producer: John Carls
Executive Producer: Steve Moore
Writer (Screenplay): Steve Bencich
Writer (Screenplay): Ron J. Friedman
Writer (Screenplay): Nat Mauldin
Writer (Screen Story): Jill Culton
Writer (Screen Story): Anthony F. Stacchi
Writer (Original Story): Steve Moore
Writer (Original Story): John Carls
Michelle Murdocca: Maria

Open Season (2006)

Domesticated bear Boog gets deposited at the top of the mountain after meeting unwanted deer friend Elliot but as he tries to get back home he comes down into the hunting grounds and it’s open season.

1/10

Opening with a production company logo that literally falls flat and moving quickly on to a bear voiced by a just-woken-up, unrecognisable (and possibly wasted) Martin Lawrence before introducing the common demoninator of just about all non-Pixar CG animated movies, the intensely charmless, selfish sidekick (Ashton Kutcher, who appears to have wandered in from Madagascar), Open Season near instantly wears out it’s welcome. Typically, for this genre of children’s film, it teaches them that getting found out or caught in a lie is the worse thing that can happen and that selfishness (aka follow your heart; Elliot is only concerned with making Boog his friend; Boog is only concerned with getting home) is the way to live your life. Oh, and destruction and violence is the answer to everything. And that hurling rabbits at each other is fun. This is entirely devoid of charm and merit and a hateful lie of a movie.

This movie contains mild bad language and unpleasant scenes.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Sleuth (2007, Distasteful Unnecessary Remake Thriller) – 1/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Michael Caine: Andrew
Jude Law: Milo
Writer (Original Play): Anthony Shaffer
Writer (Screenplay): Harold Pinter
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Producer: Jude Law
Producer: Simon Halfon
Producer: Tom Sternberg
Producer: Marion Pilowsky
Producer: Kenneth Branagh
Producer: Simon Moseley

Sleuth (2007)

Successful novelist Andrew Wyke arranges a face-to-face meeting with his wife’s lover, Milo Tindale, and convinces Tindale to accept an unexpected proposition.

1/10

More atrocious than you can possibly imagine and, I think, I am capable of describing, this takes a lauded stage play which has already been brilliantly adapted by the original author into a lauded movie and adds a lot of embarrassing, unpleasant, unconvincing bad language and a pervasive sense of distastefulness while subtracting any sense of cunning, intelligence, subterfuge or fun. It simply doesn’t feel like a battle of wits but a series of intellectual, foul-mouthed, distasteful euphemisms. At any point, either character could say each other’s lines and it would make no difference. Director Kenneth Branagh zips through it and delivers some intriguing compositions but he should have dumped Harold Pinter’s humiliatingly awful screenplay straight in the bin. Then set fire to it.

This movie contains frequent sexual swear words, strong adult dialogue, bad language, strong innuendo and very brief gun violence.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Michael Clayton (2007, Boring Legal Conspiracy Drama) – 1/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Writer: Tony Gilroy
Director: Tony Gilroy
Producer: Sydney Pollack
Producer: Steven Samuels
Producer: Jennifer Fox
Producer: Kerry Orent
Executive Producer: George Clooney
George Clooney: Michael Clayton
Tom Wilkinson: Arthur Edens
Tilda Swinton: Karen Crowder
Sydney Pollack: Marty Bach
Michael O’Keefe: Barry Grissom

Michael Clayton (2007)

Michael Clayton, a fixer for a law firm, is as stunned as anyone when his friend, renowned lawyer Arthur, has a nervous breakdown on the job while defending a multi-billion dollar case against a client he knows to be guilty.

1/10

Bor-or-ored. Tony Gilroy may be a competent, if self-important, writer but he’s a poor director with absolutely no sense of drama, shape or pace. The acting is fine and was rewarded with a highly unusual three acting Oscar nominations but the performances are wasted in an uninteresting movie that is flatly assembled and feels much longer than it is.

This movie contains sexual swear words, strong adult dialogue and unpleasant scenes.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

The Simpsons Movie (2007, Animated Satire) – 1/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Producer: Matt Groening
Director: David Silverman
Dan Castellaneta: Homer, Grampa, Krusty, Groundskeeper Willie, Mayor Quimby, Sideshow Mel, Mr. Teeny, EPA Official, Itchy, Barney
Julie Kavner: Marge, Selma, Patty
Nancy Cartwright: Bart, Ralph, Todd, Nelson
Yeardley Smith: Lisa
Hank Azaria: Moe, Chief Wiggum, Cletus, Prof. Frink, Apu, Lou, Comic Book Guy, Sea Captain, Bumblee Man, Dr. Nick
Harry Shearer: Mr. Burns, Smithers, Ned Flanders, Rev. Lovejoy, Lenny, President Arnold Schwarzenegger, Principal Skinner, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert, Otto
Pamela Hayden: Milhouse, Rod Flanders, Jimbo
Tress MacNeille: Medicine Woman, Mrs. Skinner, Cat Lady, Colin, Cookie Kwan
Albert Brooks: Russ Cargill
Philip Rosenthal: TV Dad
Joe Mantegna: Fat Tony
Tom Hanks:
Writer (Screenplay): James L. Brooks
Writer (Screenplay): Matt Groening
Writer (Screenplay): Alfred Jean
Writer (Screenplay): Ian Maxtone-Graham
Writer (Screenplay): George Meyer
Writer (Screenplay): David Mirkin
Writer (Screenplay): Mike Reiss
Writer (Screenplay): Mike Scully
Writer (Screenplay): Matt Selman
Writer (Screenplay): John Swartzwelder
Writer (Screenplay): Jon Vitti
Producer: James L. Brooks
Producer: Alfred Jean
Producer: Mike Scully
Producer: Richard Sakai
Sequence Director: Mike B. Anderson
Sequence Director: Lauren MacMullan
Sequence Director: Rich Moore
Sequence Director: Steven Dean Moore
Sequence Director: Gregg Vanzo

Simpsons Movie, The (2007)

Homer tips a silo full of pig and human poo into Springfield Lake and it proves the last straw for the American government and EPA who declare Springfield the most polluted city on earth and encase it in a giant dome.

1/10

Made several years after The Simpsons ran out of ideas, jokes and even vaguely competent writing and story-telling ability, this is an embarrassing (featuring the ever hilarious lynch mob, glassing, homosexual policemen, suicide and pig beastiality), unconvincing, boring and amazingly unfunny big-screen outing for the yellow ones. According to IMDb, it took 158 drafts to remove all the jokes. It culminates in the most horrifying word they could possibly utter: sequel.

This movie contains bad language, adult dialogue and violence, unpleasant scenes and non-sexual nudity.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Ultraviolet (2006, Movie) – 1/10 review

Milla Jovovich: Violet
Cameron Bright: Six
Nick Chinlund: Daxus
William Fichtner: Garth
Writer: Kurt Wimmer
Director: Kurt Wimmer
Kurt Wimmer: Speak-No-Evil Phage

Ultraviolet (2006)

A war between hemophages (sufferers of a highly infectious and deadly disease called hemoglophagia which also gives its victims super-human vampire-like powers) and humans is coming to an end as the humans run out of hemophages to kill. The last few hemophages don’t want to go quietly and send Violet on a mission to recover a package that may contain an antigen designed to exterminate their kind with the hope that it can be reverse engineered to find a cure.

1/10

While it’s certainly inept and broken it does have the feel of those unsuccessful seventies sci-fi movies which had plenty of ideas but which were boring or a bit embarrassing anyway. The opening credits are good and that’s kinda it. Composer Klaus Badelt is the only member of production to escape with dignity intact as he supplies an exciting score. Somehow writer / director Kurt Wimmer has managed to find subsequent employment as a filmmaker though IMDb suggests that this theatrical release version was assembled without his input and thirty-two minutes of story.

This movie contains mild swear words, bad language and gun violence, blade violence, fire violence and mild non-sexual nudity.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Eragon (2006, Movie) – 1/10 review

Ed Speleers: Eragon
Jeremy Irons: Brom
Sienna Guillory: Arya
Robert Carlyle: Durza
Djimon Hounsou: Ajihad
Garrett Hedlund: Murtagh
Joss Stone: Angela
Rachel Weisz: The Voice of Saphira
John Malkovich: Galbatorix
Writer (Original Novel): Christopher Paolini
Writer (Screenplay): Peter Buchman
Director: Stefen Fangmeier

Eragon (2006)

Eragon is just a simple farmboy until the fate of his country and a battle against tyranny becomes his to wage when a large blue dragon egg comes into his possession.

1/10

Things start badly with John Malkovich asking someone to "Stop. His. Suffering." and you get the feeling he isn’t in character. It doesn’t get better and soon you’ll just want someone to drive a sword through your heart.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

The Pink Panther (2006, Movie) – 1/10

Producer: Robert Simonds
Director: Shawn Levy
Steve Martin: Clouseau
Kevin Kline: Dreyfus
Jean Reno: Ponton
Emily Mortimer: Nicole
Henry Czerny: Yuri
Kristin Chenoweth: Cherie
Roger Rees: Larocque
Beyoncé Knowles: Xania
Composer Pink Panther Theme: Henry Mancini
Director (Original Films) Pink Panther: Blake Edwards
Writer (Story): Len Blum
Writer (Story): Michael Saltzman
Writer (Screenplay): Len Blum
Writer (Characters’ Creator): Maurice Richlin
Writer (Characters’ Creator): Blake Edwards
Jason Statham: Yves Gluant
Clive Owen: Nigel Statham 006

Pink Panther, The (2006)

When a prominent businessman is murdered during a football match and his fabulous Pink Panther diamond stolen, Chief Inspector Dreyfus assembles a crack team of investigators to find the murderer. To ensure that their work is uninterrupted, he publicly appoints an unknown incompetent to lead the ‘official’ investigation: Jacques Clouseau.

1/10

Wow! Taking twenty years of pent-up Clouseau gags and carefully cherry-picking all the least funny ones, director Shawn Levy and star Steve Martin then proceed to brilliantly edit out even those. The result is one of the clumsiest and most embarrassingly unfunny ‘comedies’ ever wiped from a stars butt onto the big screen. They seem to have overlooked the fact that Clouseau is more over-zealous and eager-to-please than incompetent and that he is the only person in all the films with an accent. And that Clouseau isn’t deaf. And that he should be played by Peter Sellers. Who is dead. On a more positive note, the stunt-work and production values are surprisingly good and Beyoncé Knowles proves luminous and irresistible on screen once more.

This movie contains sexual innuendo, muffled sexual swear words and violence, unpleasant scenes, self-inflicted torture.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Bee Movie (2007, Movie) – 1/10

Director: Simon J. Smith
Director: Steve Hickner
Producer: Jerry Seinfeld
Producer: Christina Steinberg
Writer: Jerry Seinfeld
Writer: Spike Feresten
Writer: Barry Marder
Writer: Andy Robin
Jerry Seinfeld: Barry B. Benson
Renée Zellweger: Vanessa Bloome
Matthew Broderick: Adam Flayman
Patrick Warburton: Ken
John Goodman: Layton T. Montgomery
Chris Rock: Mooseblood
Andy Robin: Jock #2
Simon J. Smith: Truck Driver, Chet
Barry Marder: Waterbug

Bee Movie (2007)

A bit concerned that he will be stuck doing the same job for the rest of his life, Barry B. Benson, a bee, takes a last flight of freedom into the real world and, after breaking the first bee rule of not talking to humans, falls in love with a human, Vanessa. Then he learns about the subjugation of bees and sues humanity to get all their honey back. With hilarious consequences.

1/10

Starting with a charmless replacement logo for DreamWorks Animation during which the mascot boy falls to his death, I kid you not, Bee Movie looks like it might settle into a bland Antz knock-off. Presumably DreamWorks Animation’s next animal-themed project will start with a C. Male chickens, perhaps. You immediately notice that the bees have a pair of legs missing and, it turns out, the entire movie is an insult to biology. Then the movie introduces non-sexual zoophilia (Greek for animal love) and every subsequent idea and plot point in the movie (yes, that is the Holocaust referenced) is likewise irredeemably awful. So not bland at all. Eye-wideningly atrocious.

Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Shrek the Third (2007, Movie) – 1/10

Shrek the Third (2007)

Shrek inherits the kingship of Far Far Away but doesn’t want it or the children that Fiona is expecting. With his dying breath, King Harold tells Shrek of another possible heir, Arthur, and so Shrek embarks on a journey to bring a new king to Far Far Away.

1/10

Despite a horrifically unfunny advertising campaign and, as it turns out, a criminally unfunny film, such was the quality of the first two films and the power of the franchise that Shrek the Third stomped to a $800 million box office bonanza. However, this is an unpolished, first-draft, lacklustre, auto-pilot sequel of the lowest order. The makers didn’t even bother with continuity regarding Donkey and Puss’s tails in the final sequence. I laughed at one joke: “You’ve got your father’s eye.” That’ll be worth one star, then.

This movie contains sexual swear word obscured by foghorn, mild adult dialogue, sexual innuendo, references to substance abuse and violence and male ogre nudity.

Classified U by BBFC. Universal: Suitable for All.

Ghost Rider (2007) – 1/10

Ghost Rider (2007)

Stuntman extraordinaire Johnny Blaze finds that it is time for his end of his deal with the Devil. The first sign is all his skin falling off and him bursting into flame but he quickly settles in and sets about ridding the earth of the Devil’s son.

1/10

Eye-bulgingly, offensively inept supernatural action movie that should cost writer / director Mark Steven Johnson his big-screen career. Sam Elliott’s voice is now so gruff that he requires subtitles and, unfortunately for Nicolas Cage’s eponymous Ghost Rider, Elliott looks about a thousand times cooler when he’s on fire. As an indicator of how inept the movie is, the cast is listed in appearance order… except it’s not.

This movie contains extended, graphic and repeated extremely unpleasant fantasy and supernatural scenes, extreme and graphic fantasy and supernatural violence and the spectacular cleavage of eva mendes.
Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Available on DVD. Available on Blu-ray.