Doctor Who S33E13 The Wedding of River Song (2011) – 1/10 science fiction adventure TV review

Cast / crew
Matt Smith: The Doctor
Karen Gillan: Amy Pond
Arthur Darvill: Rory Williams
Writer: Steven Moffat
Producer: Marcus Wilson
Director: Jeremy Webb

Doctor Who S33E13 Wedding of River Song, The (2011)

The Doctor travels to Lake Silencio to meet his death.

1/10

Absolutely dreadful series climax completely broken in concept and execution. What should be emotional is embarrassing as actors pour their hearts into performances but haven’t connected with the audience first. There’s not even the hope that future Who won’t have Amy, Rory and Melody in it. Elevated steam trains provide the only highlight and this is, by some margin, the worst episode of all six series and is to be avoided.

This Doctor Who episode contains violence, unpleasant scenes.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

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Lie To Me 2.08 Secret Santa (2009, Mystery War Drama) – 1/10 TV review

Cast / crew
Tim Roth: Dr. Cal Lightman
Kelli Williams: Dr. Gillian Foster
Brendan Hines: Eli Loker
Monica Raymund: Ria Torres
Hayley McFarland: Emily Lightman
Mekhi Phifer: FBI Agent Ben Reynolds
Creator: Samuel Baum
Michael Goorjian: Franco James Vincent
Jason Gedrick: John Parks
Mark Rolston: Ed Komsiky
April Grace: Mrs. Lenox
Executive Producer: Samuel Baum
Writer: Alexander Cary
Director: Michael Zinberg

Lie To Me 2.08 Secret Santa (2009)

Lightman is sent to Afghanistan (!) to determine whether a captured American-turned-Taliban is telling the truth when he says he knows the location of two missing American soldiers.

1/10

This is quite staggeringly unconvincing in every aspect of writing and story. Sadly, this show has turned out to be a one-season wonder and with this dreadful episode it has become time to stop watching.

This Lie To Me episode contains gun violence, extremely unpleasant scene.

Links

Smallville Season Finale 8.22 Doomsday (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent
Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan
Erica Durance: Lois Lane
Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen
Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer
Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome
Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster
Developer for Television: Alfred Gough
Developer for Television: Miles Millar
Alaina Huffman: Dinah "Black Canary" Lance
Kyle Gallner: Bart "Impulse" Allen
Ari Cohen: Regan
Ryan Kennedy: Rokk
Executive Producer: James Marshall
Writer: Kelly Souders
Writer: Brian Peterson
Director: James Marshall

Smallville 8.22 Doomsday (2009)

Wanting to prove that the events of the previous months weren’t the stupidest, rubbishest things that could possibly happen, plans are made to ensure that every fan of Smallville everywhere will want to kill themselves.

1/10

This is an entirely remarkable episode. The writers have just thrown all the scripts for this series into the air and randomly pulled pages from the resulting pile. Continuity and character, sadly, weren’t salvaged. Smallville has been betrayed and horribly mutilated by those entrusted with its care and this episode is just horrific, it’s professionally incompetent. If it was a car, inserting the key into the ignition would castrate you and then mock you for trying to start it in the first place. And for having no bits. John Matta, Chief Operating Officer of The CW Television Network, also announced his intention to run for the title of the world’s stupidest person by allowing a ninth series. Though, to be fair, it’ll probably be revealed he’s actually working as a double-agent for a rival television network. “The name’s Matta, J…, er, I’ve forgotten my first name.”

This Smallville episode contains mild swear words and extreme fantasy violence, strong graphic violence, gory and extremely unpleasant scenes.

Links

Smallville 8.20 Beast (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent
Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan
Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen
Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome
Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster
Developer for Television: Alfred Gough
Developer for Television: Miles Millar
Writer: Genevieve Sparling
Director: Michael Rohl

Smallville 8.20 Beast (2009)

The writers stab you in the eyes and ears for forty minutes while every actor looks like they’re trying to lie back, close their eyes and think of the money without vomiting or suffering a psychotic break. Aaron Ashmore isn’t succeeding.

1/10

It is becoming difficult to find words to describe the deep-seated hatred, the bitter resentment, the utter lack of respect and the despairing drudgery the writers of Smallville have for their audience. Somewhere along the line Aaron Ashmore and Allison Mack must have keyed all of the producers’ cars or left a coffee ring or a perfectly-formed poo on their executive table or something because their characters continue to be on the receiving end of bafflingly awful storylines. If they both move into porn after Smallville, it will be a step up.

This Smallville episode contains extreme violence, gory and extremely unpleasant scenes and sexuality.

Links

Smallville 8.16 Turbulence (2009, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent
Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan
Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen
Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer
Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Joe Shuster
Developer for Television: Alfred Gough
Developer for Television: Miles Millar
Writer: Turi Meyer
Writer: Al Septien
Director: Kevin G. Fair

Smallville 8.16 Turbulence (2009)

Jimmy Olsen gets an episode and sees Davis Bloome murder someone. Not a Smallville writer, unfortunately.

1/10

It is clear that nobody on Smallville – the cast, the writers (Clark gets Tess drunk!), the director (this is very slackly paced, not a usual problem on the show) – can be bothered with the show anymore. Those of us who are sticking with it are only doing so out of a sense of misguided loyalty and that we really want to see, after all the misery and violence and stupidity we’ve been subjected to (seasons 4,5, 7 and 8), some kind of happy, or at least hopeful, climax to let Clark Kent go off into the sunset and future super-deeds. However, writers without ideas cannot think positively and American shows are required by law to be ‘dark’ and ‘edgy’. So, there won’t be a happy ending and while the ‘creative’ forces tread water Smallville will continue to embarrass everyone involved with it.

This Smallville episode contains bad language and substance abuse (prescribed medication and alcohol) and strong, gory violence, unpleasant scenes.

Links

Smallville 8.08 Bloodline (2008, TV) – 1/10 review

Tom Welling: Clark Kent
Allison Mack: Chloe Sullivan
Erica Durance: Lois Lane
Aaron Ashmore: Jimmy Olsen
Cassidy Freeman: Tess Mercer
Sam Witwer: Davis Bloome
Justin Hartley: Oliver Queen
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Superman: Jerry Siegel
Writer (Characters’ Creator): Joe Shuster
Developer for Television: Alfred Gough
Developer for Television: Miles Millar
Laura Vandervoort: Kara
Writer: Caroline Dries
Director: Michael Rohl

Smallville 8.08 Bloodline (2008)

Clark is sent the blue Kryptonite crystal and, being a bit of a super-genius, picks it up presuming that nothing bad will happen this time. Ah.

1/10

All the actors know that this is an awful episode and it comes across in their peforiamcens especially Welling who looks irritated and disinterested. It starts with Kara not recognising Clark or Lois and continues all previous comments regarding The Phantom Zone being summarily dismissed (there is another secret exit built by Zor’el and, in any case, Brainiac Chloe can just pull people out of it as she pleases). Chloe’s character is nearly unwatchable. However, continuing her good run Erica Durance is good again and now that Oliver Green has emerged from his drunken party-boy stupor Justin Hartley’s moments are strong. Also, depressingly, there are no lasting effects of anything despite Lois driving a pole through Sam Witwer and taking out a wall and a fire truck at Metropolis Hospital. After a few good solid episodes, Smallville returns to the overarching story and falls flat on its face.

This Smallville episode contains extreme fantasy violence, very gory and unpleasant scenes.

Links

Knight Rider 1.01 A Knight in Shining Armor (2008, TV) – 1/10

Justin Bruening: Mike Traceur
Deanna Russo: Sarah Graiman
Sydney Tamiia Poitier: Carrie Rivai
Paul Campbell: Billy Morgan
Yancey Arias: Alex Torres
Bruce Davison: Charles Graiman
Smith Cho: Zoe Chae
Paula Garces: Kelli Haddigan
Mark Adair Rios: Jay Hunt
Yorgo Constantine: Jackson
Executive Producer: Glen A. Larson
Executive Producer: Gary Scott Thompson
Writer (Characters’ Creator): Glen A. Larson
Writer: Gary Scott Thompson
Director: David Solomon

Knight Rider 1.01 Knight in Shining Armor, A (2008)

Knight Industries is brought into retrieve a package of great value but a team of mercenaries makes things difficult. Odd thing is, they are not after the package but Mike Traceur.

1/10

Insultingly poor and hateful start to the first full series of Knight Rider following the bland but acceptable pilot movie earlier this year. KITT’s been given horribly unconvincing and useless transforming powers, Justin Bruening has lost the little charisma he had and the whole show has been given an injection of dumb with a side-helping of stupid. Quite unbelievably inept.

This Knight Rider episode contains adult dialogue and inferred extremely unpleasant scene, strong violence and mild nudity.

Links

Smallville 7.13 Hero (2007, TV) – 1/10

Smallville 7.13 Hero (2007)

Clark’s former best friend, Pete Ross, eats some Krpyonite tainted gum (no way he could know, it only glows bright flourescent green) and instantly gains the ability to stretch. After saving Kara, he decides he likes this hero business and goes public with the Daily Planet.

1/10

Sam Jones III’s Pete Ross returns with a half-witted pre-title sequence that stretches credulity (hehe). The writers of Smallville clearly hated Pete Ross when he was a regular and they don’t appear to like him anymore now. There is an interesting principle behind this episode (people want to know that heroes exist; something Clark himself would do later as Superman) but it’s just handled so thoughtlessly and routinely that it is a genuine mystery how some of the show’s producers are still employed. I know someone else smarter than me said this but if everybody’s special, nobody’s special and Smallville keeps falling into that trap. Inexplicable behaviour on the part of Clark regarding Kara’s bracelet especially as he had earlier stated in the episode that finding it might bring back her powers and memory.

This Smallville episode contains strong violence.

Bionic Woman 1.01 Bionic Woman (2007, TV) – 1/10

Bionic Woman 1.01 Bionic Woman (2007)

Jamie Sommers gets badly injured in a car crash but, luckily, her boyfriend is secretly a super-genius working for a top-secret organisation and is able to replace her amputated body parts with bionic mega-versions.

1/10

Weakly scripted pilot show that fails to deliver a hero the audience are interested in or want to see. It’s not just Michelle Ryan as the bionic woman, though. Every character is awful and, while it starts badly, it just gets worse and worse, offensively so, as it goes on (including, astonishingly, a first bionic woman who claims to have replaced her own body parts and a fight scene where getting a broken arm doesn’t matter in the slightest). Half-hearted production values also hurt but it’s the utter lack of interesting plot or characterisation that renders this pilot worthwhile only as an example of how not to do it.

This Bionic Woman episode contains mild swear words and an offensively weak and insulting script and gory and very unpleasant scenes, graphic violence and extreme violence and sex scene.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.