Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) – 2/10 action movie review

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

A Texas inventor buys a fully busted truck that was inside a derelict cinema and pulls a missile out of it that allows it to turn back into Optimus Prime but an inter-galactic bounty hunter, Lockdown, is working with the CIA to capture Optimus Prime and so the glistening, muscular inventor / robotics engineer / elite hacker and his good-looking daughter / really, really good-looking daughter / rally co-driver go on the run with Prime and end up saving the world. And there will be robot dinosaurs. The end.

2/10

This is an atrocious film on almost every level except visual effects and Mark Wahlberg. It would be a challenge to find more than a few subsequent lines that are coherent let alone compelling characters, involving storylines or comprehensible action sequences. Somehow, Wahlberg rises above all that and remains a quality, likable presence despite what the movie bafflingly puts him through. I don’t know what kind of secret sauce ILM keep back for Michael Bay but however Bay photographs his plates and however ILM’s artists up their game for him results in some utterly remarkable visuals: convincing, photo-realistic and extremely good-looking. Between them they produce the best visual effects explosions in the business; you cannot tell which explosions are real and which are not. Now, it would be accurate to state that the movie didn’t need to be good in order to fulfil it’s purpose – make money – but there was also no need for it to be this derisory.

Content Summary

This movie contains a single sexual swear word, bad language, strong violence, sensuality

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Cast / crew

Director and Executive Producer: Michael Bay
Writer: Ehren Kruger
Producer: Lorenzo di Bonaventura
Producer: Tom DeSanto
Producer: Don Murphy
Producer: Ian Bryce
Mark Wahlberg: Cade Yeager
Stanley Tucci: Joshua Joyce
Kelsey Grammer: Harold Attinger
Nicola Peltz: Tessa Yeager
Jack Reynor: Shane Dyson
Sophia Myles: Darcy Tirrel
Li Bing Bing: Su Yueming
Titus Welliver: James Savoy
T.J. Miller: Lucas Flannery
Peter Cullen: Optimus Prime
Frank Welker: Galvatron
John Goodman: Hound
Ken Watanabe: Drift
Robert Foxworth: Ratchet
John DiMaggio: Crosshairs
Mark Ryan: Lockdown
Reno Wilson: Brains

Godzilla (2015) – 2/10 monster movie review

Godzilla (2014)

15 years after an incident at his nuclear power plant in Japan, not-at-all Japanese engineer Joe Brody insists that this was caused by something other than the official earthquake. Nobody ever noticed the bright lights or hundreds of workers at the accident site, so Joe is stunned when he breaks in to the danger area to retrieve some floppy disks and is taken to the top secret installation that has been built instead of the police station like he was the day before yesterday. Fortunately, everybody working at the super-secret base is as stupid as he is and they join forces to ride a tsunami of stupidity all the way back to San Francisco.

2/10

Relentlessly stupid monster movie which, for some baffling reason, thinks we didn’t really want to see a Godzilla fight (perhaps because they were misled by the success of Cloverfield, whose monster turns up here as the antagonists). Instead of a story we get to watch charisma vacuum Aaron Taylor-Johnson keep falling over and looking at things, usually while welling up. Ken Watanabe also looks terribly upset to be in this movie so he’s probably here as some kind of ransom demand. Godzilla’s closing move is good (I’ll give you a star for that) but there’s no shape or story to the non-battle preceding it and the visual effects have no impact; nobody cares when your 50th skyscraper gets smashed to pieces. What’s surprising is how closely this echoes Roland Emmerich’s widely, easily and deservedly criticised 1998 film. It has the same title sequence, same Godzilla underwater city approach and similarly-themed monster babies climax but it doesn’t have the fun, entertaining, spectacular Godzilla action sequences nor the expert build-up.

Content Summary

This movie contains mild unpleasant scenes

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Cast / crew

Director: Gareth Edwards
Aaron Taylor-Johnson: Ford Brody
Ken Watanabe: Dr. Ishiro Serizawa
Elizabeth Olsen: Elle Brody
Juliette Binoche: Sandra Brody
Sally Hawkins: Vivienne Graham
David Strathairn: Admiral William Stenz
Bryan Cranston: Joe Brody
Producer: Thomas Tull
Producer: Jon Jashni
Producer: Mary Parent
Producer: Brian Rogers
Story Writer: David Callaham
Screenplay Writer: Max Borenstein

Real Steel (2011) – 2/10 robot boxing movie review

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Cast / crew
Director and Producer: Shawn Levy
Hugh Jackman: Charlie Kenton
Dakota Goyo: Max Kenton
Evangeline Lilly: Bailey Tallet
Anthony Mackie: Finn
Kevin Durand: Ricky
Hope Davis: Aunt Debra
Producer: Don Murphy
Producer: Susan Montford
Short Story Writer: Richard Matheson
Actor and Screenplay Writer Kingpin: John Gatins
Story Writer: Dan Gilroy
Story Writer: Jeremy Leven

Real Steel (2011)

Incompetent scumbag robot fighter Charlie Kenton sells custody of his child to replace a smashed robot but is forced to take the boy with him for a couple of months so that the couple that bought him can have a nice holiday. Charlie immediately gets his new robot smashed to pieces and so sets about stealing enough parts to repair him all the while heroically lambasting the boy for even existing then leaving him to get arrested in a scrapyard. Against all the odds, things only become less convincing from here.

2/10

This Rocky with robots overlooked something extremely important: Rocky was an amiable, loving, recognisable human being. Rocky here is split into three characters: Hugh Jackman, a kid and a robot. The robot isn’t anything; he should have become iconic but his design is bland and half-hearted and everyone lazily pronounces his name as Adom instead of Atom. Hugh Jackman and the kid are unpleasant, gigantically unconvincing and incoherently portrayed. It sometimes feels like the kid has the adult’s lines, the tone is all over the place, scenes don’t logically follow each other. This is also the first movie I’ve seen where Hugh Jackman’s performance is bad, partially because his tone, intensity and attitude (like everyone elses) vacillate wildly through what are supposed to be subsequent scenes. The slo-mo teary-eyed climax is audacious in its unearned arrogance. There is, however, a cool scene worth watching in the movie and, fortunately, it’s right at the beginning as Hugh Jackman’s robot fights a bull. Once that’s done, you can go home.

This movie contains extreme robot violence, strong human violence, sensuality

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Total Recall (2012) – 2/10 science fiction action movie review

Cast / crew
Director and Executive Producer: Len Wiseman
Writer (Story and Screenplay) Based on the Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Kurt Wimmer
Writer (Screenplay) Based on the Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Mark Bomback
Writer (Screen Story) Based on the Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Ronald Shusett
Writer (Screen Story) Based on the Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Dan O’Bannon
Writer (Screen Story) Based on the Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Jon Povill
Writer (Original Short Story) Inspired by “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”: Philip K. Dick
Producer: Neal H. Moritz
Producer: Toby Jaffe
Colin Farrell: Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale: Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel: Melina
Bryan Cranston: Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine: Harry
John Cho: McClane
Bill Nighy: Matthias
Writer (Original Screenplay) The Motion Picture “Total Recall”: Gary Goldman

Total Recall (2012)

Doug Quaid is a factory production line worker plagued by disturbing dreams of a heroic alter-ego who gets captured and fails to save the girl. Dream sellers Rekall offer a service where they implant memories of whatever you want but when Quaid goes and buys the Secret Agent dream, Rekall tell him he really is a secret agent and then a load of police burst in and shoot all the staff.

2/10

This is a remarkably uninteresting movie. It never gets your attention thanks, partially, by never giving you enough visual information to process and invest in each scene, especially the action scenes. The cast generally look impressively uninvested though it takes Kate Beckinsale the first few minutes before she gets bored. Some of Patrick Tatopoulos’ production design has imagination and ideas and nearly has some style but that’s the only artistic element of the film of note. Total Recall is instantly forgettable.

This movie contains sexual swear words, bad language, graphic violence, gory and unpleasant scenes, extraordinarily boring triple-breasted female nudity.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Green Lantern (2011) – 2/10 superhero movie review

Cast / crew
Director: Martin Campbell
Writer (Screenplay) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Greg Berlanti
Writer (Screenplay) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Michael Green
Writer (Screenplay) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Marc Guggenheim
Writer (Screenplay) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Michael Goldenberg
Writer (Story) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Michael Green
Writer (Story) Based upon characters appearing in comic books publisherd by DC Comics: Marc Guggenheim
Producer: Donald DeLine
Producer: Greg Berlanti
Ryan Reynolds: Hal Jordan / Green Lantern
Blake Lively: Carol Ferris
Peter Sarsgaard: Hector Hammond
Mark Strong: Sinestro
Angela Bassett: Doctor Waller
Temuera Morrison: Abin Sur
Jay O. Sanders: Carl Ferris
Jon Tenney: Martin Jordan
Taika Waititi: Tom Kalmaku
Tim Robbins: Hammond

Green Lantern (2011)

Ace but immature fighter pilot Hal Jordan is chosen by the ring of a dying Green Lantern – a corps of inter-galactic beings tasked with safeguarding the universe – to be his successor. Jordan is the first human to be chosen but both he and other Green Lanterns feel that the ring must have made a mistake.

2/10

Impressively bland super-hero adventure which makes all the mistakes typical of the genre (no plot coherence, no convincing characters, no understandable motivation, no recognisable or rational human beings anywhere to be seen) but doesn’t have any of the benefits (imaginative, thrilling, spectacular action, heroic acts, evil being punched in the twirled moustache). The dismal, genuinely depressing, mid-credits epilogue takes an entire star off the rating thanks to undoing the only thing the movie did that was against expectation: that Mark Strong was not the villain. Obviously, it still takes an awful lot of money, effort and skill to make even a bad movie. You do wonder how much more effort it takes to make a good one.

This movie contains extremely unpleasant scenes, extreme fantasy violence.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

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The Golden Compass (2007) 2/10 fantasy adventure movie review

Cast / crew
Director: Chris Weitz
Writer (Screenplay): Chris Weitz
Writer (Original Book) Northern Lights: Philip Pullman
Producer: Deborah Forte
Producer: Bill Carraro
Nicole Kidman: Mrs Coulter
Dakota Blue Richards: Lyra
Sam Elliott: Lee Scoresby
Eva Green: Serafina Pekkala
Christopher Lee: First High Councilor
Tom Courtenay: Farder Coram
Derek Jacobi: Magisterial Emissary
Ian McKellen: The Voice of Iorek Byrnison
Ian McShane: The Voice of Ragnar Sturlusson
Freddie Highmore: The Voice of Pantalaimon
Kathy Bates: The Voice of Hester
Kristin Scott Thomas: The Voice of Stelmaria
Daniel Craig: Lord Asriel

Golden Compass, The (2007)

After been given a unique Alethiometer (a device which tells the truth) and told to keep it secret, Lyra finds herself the target of people who want the device for themselves. So, she whips it out at every opportunity and reads it using, not the symbols on its circumference and applying logic and insight, but by doing an pretty gold CG whoosh effect because audiences are idiots.

2/10

It’s really quite surprising just how unconvincing this fantasy adventure is. The operation of the Golden Compass and just about every plot point, conversation and character interaction doesn’t make sense. Then, at the end of the movie, you realise that it was supposed to be all about rescuing this boy and not about any of the things you thought it was about. It doesn’t help that the acting from unlikable lead Dakota Blue Richards is wooden and disdainful. The single extra star is for an unexpectedly awesome climax to Ian McKellen’s big fight scene (SPOILER he rips the lower jaw off Ian McShane – they’re bears, by the way).

This movie contains brief graphic fantasy violence, other fantasy violence.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

Links

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Disney’s A Christmas Carol (2009) – 2/10 animated supernatural drama movie review

Cast / crew
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Writer (Original Story): Charles Dickens
Jim Carrey: Scrooge, Ghost of Christmas Past, Scrooge as a Young Boy, Scrooge as a Teengage Boy, Scrooge as a Young Man, Scrooge as a Middle Aged Man, Ghost of Christmas Present, Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Gary Oldman: Bob Cratchit, Marley, Tiny Tim
Colin Firth: Fred
Bob Hoskins: Fezziwig, Old Joe
Robin Wright Penn: Fan, Belle
Cary Elwes: Portly Gentleman #1, Dick Wilkins, Mad Fiddler, Guest #2, Business Man #1
Fionnula Flanagan: Mrs. Dilber
Producer: Steve Starkey
Producer: Robert Zemeckis
Producer: Jack Rapke
Writer (Screenplay): Robert Zemeckis

Christmas Carol, Disney’s A (2009)

Ebenezer Scrooge, a money lender, is notoriously cold of heart, tight of wallet and anti of social. One Christmas Eve, his former partner, Jacob Marley, dead now for seven years, haunts him and tells him that he will be visited by three spirits that night and, if he takes heed, he may avoid the terrible fate that awaits him.

2/10

All movie versions of A Christmas Carol share a serious story problem in that Scrooge’s change of heart happens without a convincing reason; especially in this secular age, being faced with one’s own mortality holds little power and Scrooge wasn’t bothered with the plight of children on the brink of death before. In addition to this problem of an unconvincing story, Zemeckis’ continued used of his unblinking CG freaks adds unconvincing animation and characters to make a movie that is impossible to swallow. There is a fascinating feature on the Blu-ray where Zemeckis shows you the filming of the real actors just so you can see how the animators or digital costume and make-up artists successfully remove the humanity, believability and soul out of the original performance capture. It’s a very expensive and time-consuming process and, I’m sad to say, we’ve clearly lost the depressingly deluded Zemeckis to it.

This movie contains mild bad language and scary supernatural scenes.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

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Clash of the Titans (2010) – 2/10 bland fantasy adventure movie review

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Cast / crew
Director: Louis Leterrier
Screenplay Writer: Travis Beacham
Screenplay Writer: Phil Hay
Screenplay Writer: Matt Manfredi
Producer: Basil Iwanyk
Producer: Kevin De La Noy
Sam Worthington: Perseus
Gemma Arterton: Io
Mads Mikkelsen: Draco
Alexa Davalos: Andromeda
Jason Flemyng: Calibos / Acrisius
Ralph Fiennes: Hades
Liam Neeson: Zeus
Director (Original Motion Picture): Desmond Davis
Writer (Original Movie): Beverley Cross

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Perseus, illegitimate son of the god Zeus, has been blessed with incredible thighs and the ability to learn decades of sword-fighting experience in under a minute but cursed with the charisma of cheap cheese. Fortunately, bland, stubborn, irritating and Australian is how the ancient Greeks like their heroes and so he is sent to the Fates to discover how to defeat the Kraken and save Argos, thus protecting catalogue shopping for all time.

2/10

Whatever charisma is, Sam Worthington doesn’t have it but he is by no means the worst thing about this film. No, that would be the script which sees writers laughing all the way to the bank as they cut-and-paste movie tropes with reckless half-heartedness with no consideration for an audience that will be tempted to watch this for spectacular monster mash action. That said, audiences will be deceived on that front as well. There are a number of decent monsters but they are undone by Hollywood’s current inability to produce a decent action sequence. An action sequence should have a beginning, middle and end. It should be a mini-journey, a clear battle of mind and metal with our hero emerging victor because of something only he can do. Clash of the Titans is bland, worthless non-entertainment and the extra star here is for the Pegasus effects only.

This movie contains mild adult dialogue, bad language, extreme violence, extremely unpleasant scenes

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Links

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009, Science Fiction Action Adventure) – 2/10 movie review

Cast / crew
Director: Stephen Sommers
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stuart Beattie
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: David Elliot
Writer (Screenplay) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Paul Lovett
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Michael B. Gordon
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stuart Beattie
Writer (Story) Based on Hasbro’s G.I. Joe characters: Stephen Sommers
Producer: Lorenzo di Bonaventura
Producer: Brian Goldner
Producer: Bob Ducsay
Executive Producer: Stephen Sommers
Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje: Heavy Duty
Christopher Eccleston: McCullen / Destro
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: The Doctor / Rex
Byung-Hun Lee: Storm Shadow
Sienna Miller: Ana / Baroness
Rachel Nichols: Scarlett
Ray Park: Snake Eyes
Jonathan Pryce: U.S. President
Saïd Taghmaoui: Breaker
Channing Tatum: Duke
Arnold Vosloo: Zartan
Marlon Wayans: Ripcord
Dennis Quaid: General Hawk

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, The (2009)

Supplier of 70% of the world’s weaponry, M.A.R.S. has spent $13 billion of NATO’s cash on producing four nanomite missiles each capable of endless destruction. Deeming it too expensive and difficult to build himself another one or two, M.A.R.S. CEO James "Should Be A Banker" McCullen, from his UNDERWATER CITY, decides to steal the missiles back so that he can fire them at Paris, Moscow, Washington and Tokyo. Cuz.

2/10

This is a movie made from a script that was surely, surely, submitted as a joke. There’s no passion, love or apparent interest from any of the makers of the movie from director / story writer / executive producer Stephen Sommers and half-hearted production designer Edward Verreaux down through every person listed in the end credits. Nobody cared. As a director, Stephen Sommers is probably incapable of making an unwatchable movie but you’ll only need the corner of your eye to take this one in. You can safely do knitting at the same time. Or brain surgery. As an aside, editor / executive producer Bob Ducsay reveals on the commentary that he is married to the stupidest woman on earth (SPOILER she didn’t see the Arnold Vosloo = President plot twist coming).

This movie contains mild swear words and strong violence.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

The Reaping (2007, Movie) – 2/10 review

Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writer (Screenplay): Carey W. Hayes
Writer (Screenplay): Chad Hayes
Writer (Story): Brian Rousso
Hilary Swank: Katherine
David Morrissey: Doug
Idris Elba: Ben
Annasophia Robb: Loren McConnell
Stephen Rea: Father Costigan

Reaping, The (2007)

Katherine Winter, an esteemed myth debunker (that well-known not-at-all made-up profession), is called in to the small US town of Haven where it appears that a fresh batch of The Ten Plagues are being cooked up. Plague One: a river turned to blood.

2/10

So the first question that springs to mind is: have you ever smashed a picture frame to get the picture out? There must be billionaire picture frame makers in Hollywood as no one ever thinks to turn it over and flip the little doodahs. Elsewhere, this is notably poor work from Stephen Hopkins who, once more, makes a boring big-screen film (despite one good jump when AnnaSophia Robb pounces on her mum) and insists, once more, on poor hand-held photography. The cast is okay but their efforts are wasted by Hopkins and the incoherent script.

This movie contains unpleasant scenes, violence and a repeated sex scene.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Pom Poko (1994, Movie, Anime) – 2/10 review

Director: Isao Takahata

Pom Poko (1994)

When raccoons find their habitat being systematically destroyed, they decide to break out their ability to transform into just about anything in an effort to scare the humans away.

2/10

Somewhat critically, this fails to keep your disbelief suspended. It’s all fine when the raccoons (actually raccoon dogs or tanuki) are transforming themselves (!) but when they start transforming other objects or producing objects from nothing transforming into things much larger or smaller than themselves or walking on the ceiling, the movie breaks. It also becomes bizarrely dull long before the end. Despite being a film about shape-shifting raccoons, it somewhat miraculously still manages to get an upskirt pantie shot in there and, as a bonus, it probably features the most testicles (confusingly referred to as pouches in English) in any film ever made.

This movie contains unpleasant scenes and very brief female nudity in magazine.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

The Covenant (2006, Movie) – 2/10 review

Director: Renny Harlin
Steven Strait: Caleb Danvers
Sebastian Stan: Chase Collins
Laura Ramsey: Sarah Wenham
Taylor Kitsch: Pogue Parry
Toby Hemingway: Reid Garwin
Jessica Lucas: Kate Tunney
Chace Crawford: Tyler Simms
Wendy Crewson: Evelyn Danvers
Executive Producer: J.S. Cardone
Writer: J.S. Cardone

Covenant, The (2006)

The Sons of Ipswitch are four boys with supernatural powers. One of them is about to gain extra powers that comes with his eighteenth birthday in an event known as his Ascension. However, one of them appears to be addicted to using his powers and, in so doing, risks exposing them all and their lives.

2/10

I never understand the fascination of contemporary Hollywood filmmakers with making their leads charmless, bland and / or purposefully difficult to like. Or, to put it another, probably more executive-thinking way, they believe that sticking good-looking people on screen is enough and that it doesn’t matter what they do. They’re wrong. It does. Despite the audience alienating opening, The Covenant turns out to be, surprisingly, about something (it appropriately parallels power with addictive narcotics). This is the, sadly, only positive aspect of the production. Otherwise, it is oddly incompetent from a production, dialogue and acting standpoint with Wendy Crewson, in particular, embarrassing herself.

This movie contains bad language, mild swear words and extremely unpleasant scenes, extreme fantasy violence and non-sexual male and female nudity, sensuality.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

A Scanner Darkly (2006, Movie) – 2/10 review

Director: Richard Linklater
Keanu Reeves: Bob Arctor
Robert Downey, Jr.: James Barris
Woody Harrelson: Ernie Luckman
Winona Ryder: Donna Hawthorne
Rory Cochrane: Charles Freck
Head of Animation: Bob Sabiston
Head of Animation: Jason Archer
Head of Animation: Paul Beck
Writer (Original Novel): Philip K. Dick
Writer (Screenplay): Richard Linklater

Scanner Darkly, A (2006)

Addiction to D is seriously afflicting society but undercover cop ‘Fred’ finds himself becoming suspected of being a high-player in the drug-supply industry.

2/10

Movies about drug addicts are frequently incredibly dull, feature unlikeable characters and very rarely highlight the reasons for and positive effects of taking drugs. A Scanner Darkly ignores being balanced and providing interesting characters but attempts to circumvent the problem of being dull by rotoscope animation. It doesn’t work; this is still dull and, chances are, you’ll have turned off before a mildly interesting conclusion.

This movie contains sexual swear words and substance abuse and extreme imagined violence and brief but strong sex scene, full male and female nudity.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

AVPR: Aliens Versus Predator Requiem (2007, Movie) – 2/10

Director: Colin Strause
Director: Greg Strause
Writer: Shane Salerno
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Alien: Dan O’Bannon
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Alien: Ronald Shusett
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Predator: Jim Thomas
Writer (Characters’ Creator) Predator: John Thomas
Producer: John Davis
Steven Pasquale: Dallas
Reiko Aylesworth: Kelly
John Ortiz: Morales
Johnny Lewis: Ricky
Ariel Gade: Molly

AVPR: Aliens Versus Predator Requiem (2007)

When the PredAlien somewhat clumsily crash lands his spaceship, thousands of people in cinemas around the world are bored senseless for ninety minutes.

2/10

Offensively dull monster movie. Every directing, editing, dialogue, music and story decision is embarrassingly wrong. This just scrapes a second star because one death is pretty impressive (Kristen Hager). However, do not get the wrong impression. This is one of the most staggeringly inept movies ever made.

This movie contains sexual swear words and graphic, gory violence, extremely gory and unpleasant scenes and sensuality.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Ocean’s Thirteen (2007, Movie) – 2/10

Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writer: Brian Koppelman
Writer: David Levien
Writer (Characters’ Creator): George Clayton Johnson
Writer (Characters’ Creator): Jack Golden Russell
George Clooney: Danny Ocean
Brad Pitt: Rusty Ryan
Matt Damon: Linus Caldwell
Andy Garcia: Terry Benedict
Don Cheadle: Basher Tarr
Bernie Mac: Frank Catton
Ellen Barkin: Abigail Sponder
Al Pacino: Willy Bank
Casey Affleck: Virgil Malloy
Scott Caan: Turk Malloy
Eddie Jemison: Livingston Dell
Shaobo Qin: The Amazing Yen
Carl Reiner: Saul Bloom
Elliott Gould: Reuben Tishkoff
Eddie Izzard: Roman Nagel
David Paymer: The V.U.P.

Ocean’s Thirteen (2007)

When Willy Bank stiffs Reuben out of his half of a new prestige hotel and casino, Danny and some friends attempt to redress the balance.

2/10

Entirely appropriate sequel to Ocean’s Twelve in that it is irredeemably dull. If you stay awake, it’s generally good-looking (Bank’s hotel is fabulous) and Brad Pitt is just getting better and better with every film he’s in. It’s sad to see Ellen Barkin sucking her tummy and face in for the entire film and that Al Pacino appears to have put no effort in whatsoever (with the notable exception of the look he gives when his diamonds fly overhead).

This movie contains mild swear words and violence, unpleasant scenes.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

First Option (1996, Movie) – 2/10

Michael Wong: Officer Don Wong
Gigi Leung: Inspector Minnie Kwan
Damian Lau: Inspector Lau
Writer (Screenplay): Chan Hing-Kai
Writer (Screenplay): Gordon Chan
Director: Gordon Chan

First Option (1996)

When Customs and Excise attempt to arrest unexpectedly armed crims, the resulting shoot out brings in the SDU team to assist.

2/10

Tiresomely, embarrassingly awful on every level, this Hong Kong action movie removes the imaginative and stylish action that the industry is renowned for and leaves a incoherent and incompetent script to be delivered badly by half-hearted actors under the broken direction of Gordon Chan. Remarkably, even the credits are near broken with the end credits finishing a full half-minute before the music and a credit for a Martial Arts Director despite there being no martial arts!

This movie contains sexual swear words and graphic violence.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Available on DVD.

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003, Movie) – 2/10

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003)

Insert plot of Mission: Impossible here (but make it entirely incomprehensible).

2/10

McG quickly eliminates all goodwill earned by the fun first instalment. The pre-credits sequence is bearable, the title sequence okay but once Bruce Willis gets his cameo done and dusted, McG simply jettisons all sense of coherence and makes the rest of the movie a personal challenge to sit through; it’s you versus McG. Occasional moments in the stuntwork look really impressive but McG only really delivers on a couple of entertaining dance sequences. McG definitely has plenty of ideas; it’s just a shame they were all bad (including an HILARIOUS storyline where John Cleese thinks his daughter is an expensive prostitute). The remainder of the movie lacks the sense of fun and camararderie required and the girls aren’t always photographed and made-up favourably (Jaclyn Smith proves far more attractive at 56).

This movie contains extremely strong sexual double-speak, mild bad language and strong, boring and remarkably unconvincing martial arts violence, graphic blade violence, strong melee violence, graphic gun violence, unpleasant scenes and sexually-themed scenes.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult..