7 Seconds (2005, Movie) – 3/10 review

Director: Simon Fellows
Wesley Snipes: Jack Tuliver
Tamzin Outhwaite: Kelly Anders
Pete Lee-Wilson: Alexsie
Deobia Oparei: Spanky
Georgina Rylance: Suza
Director of Photography: Simon Fellows
Writer: Martin Wheeler
Martin Wheeler: Cole

7 Seconds (2005)

Ex-Delta Force dude Jack Tuliver has become a master thief (it’s the law or something) and his latest target is a $20 million casino cash heist but it’s complicated by the presence of a $65 million Van Gogh in the loot meaning the stakes are even bigger than he thought. Because, you know, no-one cares about $20 million in cash.

3/10

It’s vaguely exciting and never loses the interest but star Wesley Snipes is probably the weakest link in the movie as he disdainfully trudges his way through his lines and action. His half-heartedness (look at his face on the DVD cover) is made more obvious because he occasionally remembers he is actually a highly capable actor but his talent only comes through in snippets. Co-star Tamzin Outhwaite is much more interesting on-screen and strides around with rather more purpose and charisma until she is sidelined for Snipes’ action climax. Outhwaite’s the reason I rented and she is fine but is capable of being great in something much better.

This movie contains strong adult dialogue, sexual swear words and extreme and graphic violence, extremely unpleasant scenes and sex scene, female nudity.

Classified 15 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 15 years and over.

Enchanted (2007, Movie) – 3/10 review

Director: Kevin Lima
Writer: Bill Kelly
Amy Adams: Giselle
Patrick Dempsey: Robert Philip
James Marsden: Prince Edward
Timothy Spall: Nathaniel
Idina Menzel: Nancy Tremaine
Rachel Covey: Morgan Philip
Susan Sarandon: Queen Narissa
Narrator: Julie Andrews
Kevin Lima: Pip in New York

Enchanted (2007)

On the day she is to marry her fairy-tale prince, Andalasian commoner Giselle is pushed into the real world by the wicked Queen Narissa. Prince Edward arrives to rescue her but true love may have other plans.

3/10

So the movie opens with a chap who takes a mentally-disturbed babe back to his apartment and then insists his six-year-old daughter spend the night in his bed. Yeah, you try that. Kevin Lima’s fantasy romance has a heart-warming reputation but that wasn’t what I felt. The morals are: don’t get married after a day (dump him and marry someone else after knowing them for a day), think only of yourself (if you follow your heart it’s fine to steal someone’s else fiancée; in fact, the fiancée will appreciate it) and spend obscenely using the real magic of the credit card; at the time, of course, the Disney company motto. The only positive aspect is James Marsden’s Prince Edward with his fabulous floppy hair, irresistible grin and boundless enthusiasm ("thank you for taking care of my bride, peasants"). Alan Menken’s songs and score are notably bland, especially with the clear echo of Menken’s classic scores for The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Watch them and this back-to-back and weep for Walt.

This movie contains fantasy violence, mild fantasy peril.

Classified PG by BBFC. Parental Guidance.

The Terminal (2004, Movie) – 3/10 review

Director: Steven Spielberg
Writer (Screenplay): Sacha Gervasi
Writer (Screenplay): Jeff Nathanson
Writer (Screenplay): Andrew Niccol
Writer (Screenplay): Sacha Gervasi
Producer: Steven Spielberg
Tom Hanks: Viktor Navorski
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Amelia Warren
Stanley Tucci: Frank Dixon
Chi McBride: Mulroy
Diego Luna: Enrique Cruz

Terminal, The (2004)

Viktor Navorski is travelling to New York from Krakorzia but en route a coup in his country means that his passport and entry visa become invalid. Not able to fly home or enter the United States he is told that he must stay in the International Flight Lounge until the situation is resolved. To everyone’s surprise, instead of bolting for the door, he does exactly as he is told…

3/10

Unconvincing. And that’s being nice. Despite three credited screenwriters the script has not had its bugs ironed out and this undermines the ever-brilliant Tom Hanks and the super-slick Spielberg coating. The fact is, this is two-minute news fluff and is here horribly stretched to a lifeless two hours. It’s pretty safe to say that this mistaken mess will be Spielberg’s worst and most worthless ever film.

This movie contains adult references and mild sensuality.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Lady in the Water (2006, Movie) – 3/10

Writer: M. Night Shyamalan
Producer: M. Night Shyamalan
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Paul Giamatti: Cleveland Heep
Bryce Dallas Howard: Story
Bob Balaban: Harry Farber
Jeffrey Wright: Mr. Dury
Sarita Choudhury: Anna Ran
Cindy Cheung: Young-Soon Choi
Freddy Rodriguez: Reggie
Bill Irwin: Mr. Leeds
Jared Harris: Goatie Smoker
Mary Beth Hurt: Mrs. Bell
M. Night Shyamalan: Vick Ran

Lady in the Water (2006)

After investigating some nocturnal splashing in the apartment pool, caretaker-with-a-past Cleveland Heep slips over and awakes in his room in the company of a rather under-dressed and otherworldly young woman. She calls herself Story and Heep realises that he must protect and help her return to her own world at any cost.

3/10

Impenetrable, uninteresting and unconvincing fairy tale. It’s pretty well directed and acted but the writing is incoherent and clumsy and completely buries any worthwhile message M. Night Shyamalan wanted to deliver. That said, the one-sided muscle-man is an agreeably insane idea but it is James Newton Howard’s music that is the only element of a consistently high quality.

This movie contains inferred violence, unpleasant scenes and inferred non-sexual nudity.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Ocean’s Twelve (2004, Movie) – 3/10

Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writer: George Nolfi
Producer: Jerry Weintraub
Writer (Original Characters): George Clayton Johnson
Writer (Original Characters): Jack Golden Russell
George Clooney: Danny Ocean
Brad Pitt: Rusty Ryan
Matt Damon: Linus Caldwell
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Isabel Lahiri
Andy Garcia: Terry Benedict
Don Cheadle: Basher Tarr
Bernie Mac: Frank Catton
Carl Reiner: Saul Bloom
Elliott Gould: Reuben Tishkoff
Robbie Coltrane: Matsui
Eddie Izzard: Roman Nagel
Cherry Jones: "Molly Star"/ Mrs. Caldwell
Jeroen Krabbe: van der Woude
Julia Roberts: Tess Ocean

Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

When Terry Benedict catches up with Ocean’s Eleven he demands repayment plus interest within two weeks or he’ll have them all killed. The team get back together to start stealing more stuff to pay Benedict off but a third party has yet to reveal himself.

3/10

Fully bad sequel to the original better-than-expected remake of the rose-tinted remembrance of a 60’s original. A line or two are nice, the cast seem to be enjoying themselves (except Julia Roberts) and Catherine Zeta Jones looks impossibly lovely but it’s difficult to pull out anything positive of importance. The heists are spectacularly unconvincing and the plot is transparent and / or breathtakingly stupid.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.

Chain Reaction (1996, Movie) – 3/10

Producer: Arne Schmidt
Director: Andrew Davis
Keanu Reeves: Eddie Kasalivich
Morgan Freeman: Paul Shannon
Rachel Weisz: Lily Sinclair
Fred Ward: FBI Agent Ford
Kevin Dunn: FBI Agent Doyle
Brian Cox: Lyman Earl Collier
Writer (Story): Arne Schmidt
Writer (Story): Rick Seaman
Writer (Story): Josh Friedman
Writer (Screenplay): J.F. Lawton
Writer (Screenplay): Michael Bortman
Producer: Andrew Davis

Chain Reaction (1996)

Eddie Kasalivich is a machinist working on a project to create pollution free energy from water. One night the laboratory is blown up in spectacular fashion, destroying eight city blocks, but Eddie discovers that the explosion was rather more than an accident.

3/10

After the high-quality career blip of The Fugitive director Andrew Davis returns to more typical form with this spectacularly unconvincing action thriller. While he keeps things moving swiftly throughout and showcases some nice stuntwork (especially on a Chicago bridge) it’s not enough to even vaguely disguise the silliness of the story and the tiresome dreadfulness of the script. To their credit, the actors perform reasonably well; everyone seems to be taking their roles very seriously and Freeman is acting as if he is in a much better film. Oddly, the climax’s big special effect is shown after the end credits. On a side note, I am sure J.D. from Scrubs would be delighted to see the Janitor get shot again as he did in Davis’ The Fugitive.

This movie contains unpleasant scenes, violence.

Classified 12 by BBFC. Suitable only for persons of 12 years and over.

The Interpreter (2005, Movie) – 3/10

Director: Sydney Pollack
Nicole Kidman: Sylvia Broome
Sean Penn: Tobin Keller
Catherine Keener: Dot Woods
Jesper Christensen: Nils Lud
Yvan Attal: Philippe
Executive Producer: Sydney Pollack
Executive Producer: Anthony Minghella
Writer (Story): Martin Stellman
Writer (Story): Brian Ward
Writer (Screenplay): Charles Randolph
Writer (Screenplay): Scott Frank
Writer (Screenplay): Steven Zaillian

Interpreter, The (2005)

UN interpreter Silvia Broome overhears a planned assassination being discussed in the General Assembly Room (after hours, of course). Even though the authorities consider this somewhat unlikely (even a Hollywood movie would find this stretching credulity), they have to take all possible threats seriously and assign Tobin Keller to investigate.

3/10

Surprisingly incompetent would-be Hitchcockian / 1970’s political thriller whose professional sheen cannot mask the endlessly poor dialogue and plot. The uselessness extends all the way down to the prop department who deliver two of the worst photoshopped images in cinema history. Sydney Pollack paces things deliberately and it’s not boring, exactly, as it moves toward the ridiculous climax, just broken.

This movie contains graphic gun violence, strong unpleasant scenes.

Classified 12A by BBFC. Persons under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.