Most Depressing Story of the Week: Manuel Uribe

The BBC reported about Manuel Uribe and how he has lost 29 stone from weighing 88 stone in a story entitled Heaviest man eyes slimming record.

Though the BBC article is talking about an event that Wikipedia records as happening last year (that source informs us that he has since lost another sixteen stone on another diet) and contains the horrendously untrue statement “supersized by nature” (and not a reported daily diet of two dozen eggs, sixteen tortillas and variable amounts of bread, pasta, ice cream and salad) that isn’t the depressing part.

This is:

It is a dream of his to walk.

It’s a dream shared by his new girlfriend, Claudia, who has helped to wash, feed and encourage him through this last year or so of dramatic weight loss.

Wait. What? Girlfriend!? Now Mr. Uribe has a nice smile, bright eyes and comes across as a gracious, endearing man in video interviews. I am genuinely pleased that he has a girlfriend. I am also genuinely depressed. Let’s just remind ourselves what we are talking about. Appropriately, you can click for a bigger version:

I couldn’t get the girl of my dreams to vomit on me or even report me to the police for sitting outside her house with thermo-vision goggles, let alone wash and feed me or consider a relationship with me.

So, congratulations to Mr. Uribe and his fiancĂ©e, Claudia Solis. I’m going to find a wardrobe.

Story of the Week: Bear (yes, a real bear) convicted for theft of honey

bear with hands up small *Checks date*

It’s not April 1st. bbc.co.uk is reporting that a bear in Bitola, Macedonia now has a criminal record after being found guilty of steeling honey from a beekeeper’s beehives. As the animal is a protected species, the state was ordered to pay for the damage to the hives.

I suspect the ASBO bear is now telling all his friends about the state-sponsored honey-fest…

Read the original story on bbc.co.uk. Buy the Honey Bear costume on buycostumes.com.

Story of the Week: Xbox 360 with free, er, ‘accommodation’ for gullible crims

Computer and Video Games reported on a story where the Xbox 360 was used to catch stupid criminals.

115 criminals responded to an invitation to pick up an Xbox 360 they had won but instead of HD gaming goodness they discovered that the Texas pick-up point was overrun with US Marshals. Probably giggling US Marshals.

Most of the criminals were wanted on drug or violent crime charges and, according to the story, they had been in “hiding”. While this did raise the question of ‘how do you contact someone in hiding?’ with the subsequent reasoning of ‘if you know how to contact someone in hiding, surely you can just go and arrest them,’ it’s clearly a whole lot less work to get the crims to come to you and be off guard. Nice one.

Slimm Says

Congratulations on a cunning plan well executed.

Story of the Week: How to get caught method #1 – Don’t leave the scene of the crime

Stories about stupid criminals are among my favourites though it does concern me that they all seem to be American.

Our stupid crim this week is definitely not American and was caught in Maglaj, Bosnia. How? He was burgling a house and, with his loot of two bracelets and an earring, decided to take a nap. When the owner came home, our horizontal housebreaker was zedding away until his arrest.

Remarkably, the police had to force him under interrogation to confess to breaking and entering. And snoozing.

During interrogation he confessed to breaking into the house. “He saw the couch and just sat down to rest for a while and fell asleep,” police said.

Source: local newspaper under the headline “Thief caught napping“. Not bad.

Story of the week: If in doubt, shoot. Yourself. In both legs. At the same time.

The ever-astonishing American mentality that guns empower you to do anything continues with this story from news.bbc.co.uk.

Man hurt using gun to change tyre

Oh, yes. This is the story of an American who fired a shotgun at the final stuck wheel-nut on his Lincoln Continental. The pellets ricocheted off and caused severe injuries to his entire body.

Slimm Says

I think he was lucky. Given that this was an American car, surely it should have exploded.